Woman In Flux

At a recent gathering at a friend’s house, I sat at a table with two people I had not met before. As introductions go, I leaned into my corporate identity first. Over the course of the evening, references to astrology, interest in k-culture, reading and, writing came up. Politics dominated the evening. I left sated and wanting for more.

Over the week, snatches from the evening played out in my head. It felt like all those identities I carried with me that evening were in the past. I no longer read the way I did once. I am struggling to write even when faced with deadlines. I track transits everyday and carry the map of the stars in my head but I am not actively delving into astrology the way I did a few years ago. My interest in k-culture has widened in scope to include a huge swath of Asia – Chinese, Thai, Taiwanese and, Japanese. The corporate identity I lead with feels increasingly like an impostor suit. Politics is of great importance to me but I am not the average grassroots worker doing all she can to turn out the vote. I pick and choose things that I am comfortable with and that feels puny in comparison to what I can be doing.

I feel restless and constrained. All of me is a person in flux. As a mother, I have transitioned to a hand off approach leaving me with guilt. As a partner, I have let go of expectations that bound me to a certain stereotype. It feels like I am in the final throes of an epic struggle to free myself but the question that looms large is “free from what?” and “free to go where?”

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