This has been years in the making I guess. This week, I watched passively as a group I am in made plans to organize something. In the past, I would have been eager, loud and passionate about being the architect of such plans. This time, I watched, a little amused, unaffected by what was happening.
I notice I am doing that with a whole lot of things. Instead of acting, I am content watching. I let things fall apart if I am the only one who has taken on the responsibility of initiating or maintaining said things.
The Christmas decor in our home is still up. I have walked past them for over a month with nary an inclination to initiate the take down or putting them away. In fact, I think Halloween decor is still by the living room window. It bothers me, but not enough to take it on myself to do it.
I put down the self owned responsibility of making dinner in addition to lunch and breakfast. Giving up the ownership of one meal a day opened up space for other things. We still eat, just not what I make.
This act of letting go without feeling guilt, stopping doing things I once did (with or without resentment), actively disengaging from things I did to validate myself has been an incredible learning experience.
For the first time in my life I experience freedom – that amazing opening up of mind space. I found that things happened even when they were not the way I would do them. I found that I was redundant – my importance was only in my head. The load I carried in my head was of my own making. By setting that load down, by refusing to take on figuring who else was owning responsibility I understood this is how more than half of the population lived.
This is a work in progress, an experiment being played out until the devolvement is complete.
Leave a Reply