Jimin’s Like Crazy crooned in my ear as I walked this morning. My youngest sat on the sofa earnestly playing some game on her phone. Her hair was tousled, her complexion smooth.
“You are beautiful!” I mouthed as I walked past.
Over the course of the morning, I tried to recall the number of times anyone around me had called me beautiful. I struggled to remember. However, it set me off on a different track.
“You are fated to have a good life”
“You have a good voice”
“You speak well”
“You write well”
“You are confident”
“You are intelligent”
These are a few things I grew up hearing. Words thrown casually. Words said intentionally. Words spoken out loud that landed and lodged itself in my brain. During the times I hit a bottom, I reassured myself that I was fated to live the good life. During times when I struggled with imposter syndrome, I pulled up the compliments I hoarded in my head like talismans to keep me going. These days I screenshot compliments, I save emails that say good things. I keep my digital pile of good stuff to lean in on when I feel like there is not much going for me.
As a mother, I say the good things out loud. I compliment my children and mean it. My smile reaches my eyes. I caress my daughters’ cheek when I tell her she is gorgeous. I send them notes that vocalize all the good things I feel and think about them. I do this intentionally because I want them to have the feel good pile to dip into when the world outside works extra hard to pull them down.
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