COVID-19, Life

COVID-19 Diaries: In A Rut

Life post book release has gone from adrenaline highs, early morning zoom calls and, signing books to thinking of it all in the past. Work is busy. The children are starting online school in less than a week. Our routine is predictable most days. I wake early, have kaapi with Amma, walk for half an […]

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Life, Musings, Reflections

COVID-19 Diaries: Ceding Control

Waiting. This word in itself sums up the entirety of my existence these days. I am waiting for many things. Sometimes, it feels like all of my life is one big wait for something to happen. Everything is scripted in my head, the joys, the grief, the anticipation, the highs, the lows. It is frozen […]

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COVID-19, Daughters, Life, Musings

COVID-19 Diaries: Life Goes On

It is a bright, sunny day. All through the day, I alternate work, kitchen and online studies with the kids. There is a point towards the end of the workday when I throw in the towel, order the kids off their iPad, their IXL sessions be damned and head out for a bit of fresh […]

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COVID-19, Happiness, Journal, Life, Musings

COVID-19 Diaries: Pockets Of Happy

I woke with throbbing pain behind my right eye, the premonition of a raging migraine for later in the day. I powered on, hoping the pain will go away. By mid-day, the light from the screen, the smells from cooking, the sounds of my children happily playing all clashed, clanged and reduced me to tears. […]

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Life, Musings, Reflections

Thank You For Coming To My TED Talk

“Thank you for coming to my TED talk!” I almost laugh out loud as my inner voice makes this statement in my head. Most mornings, I am on the elliptical walking at a moderate pace while my thoughts and ideas jump from place to place. One day I imagine my book signing. I let my […]

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Death, Life, Musings

Inscrutable Grief

My toes feel the sand as it oozes through the gaps, a sludge of water and sand. The debris the waves deposit and pull back from the shore sometimes grazes my naked calf. I don’t quite like the sensation, or the imagination my mind conjures. It feels like someone is churning the ocean, generating ripples, […]

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Children, Daughters, Life, Musings

Growing Up

I pass Laddu’s bedroom en route to mine. A cutout of a rainbow is taped to her door. The door is closed. It bothers me but I can’t quite figure out why. I straighten the bed in Pattu’s room. All around me are signs of disorganization. I sigh and look up. On the ceiling right […]

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Festivals, Gratitude, Happiness, Life, Musings, Navarathri

Vignettes

My watch shows 3:57:03. I should be in the study anxiously poring over my presentation one last time. Instead, butterflies in my stomach I watch through the window as the school bus rolls past our home. Just as I am to turn and walk away, I notice my Amma looking diminutive from the other side […]

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Life, Musings

The Color Of Regret

The garage rattles noisily when I press the switch. I wince. It is not yet 6:00 am. The breeze feels deliciously chill when I drag the two-wheel toter that houses my garbage bags out to the edge of the driveway. I position it and return for the tub containing recycle trash. I stand for a […]

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Family, Life, Musings, Work Life Balance

Filial Expectations

I am at the stove deep frying thenkuzhal, a golden extrusion of rice and lentil flours fried and drained on paper towels before being inhaled. Amma stands next to me painstakingly filling the extruder for me to use for the next round. She then walks over to cut cabbage for the evening dinner. She is […]

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Family, Home, Life, Musings

Big Little Things

The clock is yet to strike 8:00 am. The twins and Saathi have left for school and work. Laddu is still at the island dipping her coin dosais in a mix of thayir and chutney and savoring each morsel. I make my round picking up coffee mugs, discarded plates, and crumbs on the floor. A […]

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Life, Mom's life, Musings, Personal

Drifting

I am on the phone with my Amma as she prepares to leave to India for the winter. My cell phone rings flashing the number of an old friend. I hang up and reach for my cell phone. This woman and I go back a decade, working alongside on a banking software product. We exchange […]

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Life, Mom's life, Musings

Silent Epidemics

Special Needs Mom. I roll over that label in my head. It feels alien, like when you first refer to yourself as Mrs or spell out your address to friends for the first time. You are not quite sure how you arrived there. But you are there, with all the baggage that comes with that […]

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Daughters, Lessons, Life, Musings

Equal Not Same

Laddu and I are at the library. She sports her gingerbread man shaped name tag with pride. Her eyes are bright, curious and taking everything in. The diminutive lady running the pre-k program at the library recognizes her even though it is only her second time there. The little table in front of us has […]

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Happiness, Life, Musings

Epiphany: You Hold The Keys In Your Hand

Amma and I are on the phone.  “In our entire extended family, whom do you think is the most successful,” I ask. “What do you mean? In what sense?” she counters. “Whatever is your parameter for success,” I say and wait patiently for her to reply.  I can almost hear her mental wheels spinning. She […]

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Life, Musings

In The Eyes Of The Beholder

The house is quiet. Saathi is clacking away at his keyboard at our kitchen island. I am tempted to go find what the girls are up to. Instead, I find a pair of socks, wear my sneakers and head out for a walk. It is fall weather. The sidewalk all around the community I live […]

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Life, Mom's life, Musings, Parenthood, Parenting

Inured

My desk has stacks of paper. Yellow envelopes filled with sheets I need to fill, a checklist of largely unchecked items, bills that need follow up, a snowman with one arm and a caption that says I’d melt for you. Each day, I sit at my desk, focusing solely on the words on the screen. […]

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Family, Life, Musings

Imposters: Life and Death

I lie in bed, in the dark, under the covers, the backlit screen of my phone casting an eerie glow. I am furiously typing or researching what a hip surgery in advanced age looks like. I look at the process, the preoperative parameters, postoperative care and mentally ready myself for all possibilities. I can do […]

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Life, Musings, Personal, Race

Co-opting Words

I sat between my twins, Laddu on my knee as the opening credits for Hidden Figures rolled on the screen. Pattu jiggled her knee, a clear indication she was done waiting for the actual movie to start. I hit pause and gathered the eight-year olds close. “This is a movie for grown-ups. There is a […]

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