Pattu plonks down on the reading cushion I have, conveniently next to a charger, phone already plugged in. Felix whines from the next room.
“Ondaa…”
Pattu’s instinctive response surprises me. Unless you grew up hearing it, you are not reading it with the tenderness it carries.
Ammu shows up every day, 2:00 pm, a grin on her face.
“You know what time it is….”
Her singsong voice precedes her arrival. Of course I know. Each time I ask her why she cannot make her own coffee, her response is reflexive.
“You are not dead yet.”
Laddu stands by my side in the mornings. This is new this summer. She watches me wait patiently for the pan to heat. I show her everything I do. I repeat the terms for the seasoning I use in Tamil and again in English. Kadugu, mustard. Ulutham paruppu, urad dal. Perungayam, asafoetida.
“Don’t try to remember. You will get it when you watch it enough times.”
If two children out of three are severing the cord, one is holding on with a tenacity that makes me think she will be the first to leave and never turn back. If the kids are in a hurry to run toward adulthood, I am straining to hold on to the vestiges of a youthful appearance.
Even as I brace for the first steps of a separation that is much needed and encouraged, I feel the pangs of sadness. They are not gone yet. I miss them already. As kids mature into adults and playact it while under my umbrella, I stand in front of my vanity and apply minoxidil to my balding pate.
I wonder if my penchant for K-pop is also a reflection of my need to feel young. As is the YOLO attitude that shows up in my credit card bills of late.
In a year, the older two will technically be able to vote, drive themselves to school, not need me for their annual physicals and legally not be obligated to listen to me anymore. The feeling is simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating.
At the rate at which I am ordering Korean skincare and signing up on random websites that promise a walk back in time, I feel the twain shall meet.
More from this thread
If this moved you, send a tip.
Leave a Reply