Feeling Seen

I see the photo on my Pattu’s Instagram story first. It catches me by surprise. I am at the window holding Felix our puppy, watching the birds and the bees flitting about. Felix had been cranky. I was holding him the way I would a fussy baby. Rocking imperceptibly, every part of me focused on lulling him into stillness.

She sat watching a show on her laptop screen when she snapped this picture. This photo means a lot to me. For the first time in my life, I felt seen. Seen as a person, as a moment worth preserving. I do it all the time. I catch my children mid-stride, I preserve them reading, eating, chatting, laughing, crying, petting. I capture Saathi working, cutting vegetables, playing with the kids, being loved on by the kids.

My photo archive is testament to my seeing. I love candid pictures. I love the sense of movement, the wonders of technology that lets me embalm memories in Boolean. I go back to them too, when I am low and need a pick-me-up. I trawl through the reserves, looking for pictures to mark occasions, to build slideshows, to make photo books, to remind them that I see them. I love them.

There is also a wistfulness that comes when I look at these images. I wonder if there is anyone who sees me the way I see my family. Does anyone notice me dancing as I cook? Will anyone see the smile that lingers on my face after an email from my publisher? Are there any pictures of me lost in my manuscript? Are there pictures of me agape at the moon and Venus hanging out next to each other at night?

I know the answer, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering. There is a digital frame in one corner of my family room. It is linked to decades of memories. Each time I pass the frame, I pause. Sometimes, it is a picture from the morning. Other times, it is my dad from 2005. Sometimes, it is a screenshot of Namjoon. The element of surprise gets me every time. It reminds me of all the love my albums hold.

So, to have my child see me the way I see them, marks a full circle. One I am grateful for. Something I didn’t know I longed for. Felix is on my lap this morning. I take a selfie, adding myself to the frame this time.

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