“You smell like lifesavers…”
Laddu leans into me before she heads upstairs to bed. The Volini cream I have on my shoulders anoints me with the smell of camphor and menthol. I let Laddu go after giving her a tight squeeze. My arms hurt. My shoulders hurt. I turn my swivel chair to face my monitor and bump my knee against the table. I let out a silent scream and rub my knees. At any given point in time, it feels like a good part of my body is under various aches, pains or soreness.
I google my symptoms and the overwhelming data points to menopause. I slink along the edges of subreddits and wonder if I should give HRT a try. Given my history with infertility treatments, hormones are a touchy topic. I am loathe to talk about how I feel with anyone, knowing each person navigates this phase of their life in their own way. Some smart ones lean into all the help they can get. Others, obstinate for whatever reason grin and bear it. Then, there are a chosen few who seem to glide through life without any seeming discomfort.
My online tribe, the ones I curate into my feed though are hilarious and blunt. I love that I am part of the invisible Gen X who have no $&*%&^ to give, are loud and brash about what they are experiencing. Thanks to them, my amazon algorithm now throws up minoxidil, collagen peptides, pdrn and, a slew of makeup products. I keep adding things to my cart only to save for later.
I look up all the screenings I am due for and grudgingly make appointments. I look forward to receiving my bloodwork results with the same enthusiasm I once reserved for job offers and, contracts. I take 3:00 am insomnia in stride and doom scroll. I heart everything Melani of the I-do-not-care-club posts. I look at the world outside burning down and no longer feel bothered enough to engage.
In this strange disconnected, dissociated, devolved state of my mind and life, I am suddenly discovering a sense of freedom I aspired to in my younger days. With the maturity that comes from having taken on life and survived, with the financial security that comes with middle age, with children on the cusp of taking flight, I am finding that I can now reboot my life to enjoy all the things I should have in my teens and twenties but did not have the courage or wisdom to do so then.
So, my fellow Gen Xers, my I-do-not-care-club tribe, tell me how you are winging it. Tell me what epiphanies you have had lately that has blown your mind.