The opening music to the next song on my playlist as I walk is familiar. I know the name I think and open up my music app to find out. I nod to myself as the childish joy of finding a song I enjoy play, spreads through my being. My steps are jaunty, my head is bobbing up and down. In my head I am a black swan gliding through the water, in reality, I am a baby elephant taking ungainly first steps. I have a feeling my children and my spouse are rolling their eyes at me, but without glasses on and presbyopia I can’t tell. I smile to myself as I complete yet another round around the house.
This is now a ritual, listening to BTS as I walk. I can tell who is singing. I can imagine faces as the voices change. I understand a word here and a word there and that fills me with joy. I think back to my teens when the music I listened to was limited to the precious mix tapes we would get made at a store down an alley in T Nagar. The same songs, on repeat stuck to where the tape player was in the house. Pop music and film music was something that earned a “enna kandravi idhu” comment from mom or grandparents.
As a young adult, a walkman and money to buy tapes and later CDs was a gamechanger. My music palette expanded but not by much. I cared little about who the song writer was or who composed the music. I listened to songs if the lyrics called out to me. I was not invested in the people behind the art. Today, I care little about the language or the lyrics (exceptions are English, Tamil and Hindi). I am deeply invested in the artist as much as the art. I dive headfirst into the fandom that surrounds the artist.
I got my first BTS poster from my children as a gift for my birthday a year ago. I wear graphic tees that proudly proclaim my allegiance. I flaunt my taste for the world to see. I am a middle aged woman who is taking her baby steps in the ARMY fandom and I am daunted by how ferocious their love for the idols is. I ping fellow ARMY on twitter. I watch BTS Tiktoks for hours on end. I share my BTS love with my kids who tolerate it for now.
I have no clue if this is a phase or if this will endure. For now, I am proudly a purple heart.
Borahae 💜.
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