The Big One Is Coming Up

The tab on my browser has stayed the same for over a week now. It holds the shopping cart for a boutique silk saree shop. I add and remove sarees. I click on the images and close them. I will turn fifty this December. For months now, this birthday has been on my mind. Unlike other milestone birthdays, this feels important. It feels like every milestone after this may be one I may not see. I am grappling with mortality in shadow ways. The more I think about it, the heavier the import of this one feels.

I make lists and delete them. They feel superficial. Yet, I am aware that life is all about the fleeting joys. Today my list is small. Visit South Korea, Tattoo and a special saree. I have images of the kinds of tattoos I think will be good. I am yet to zero in on that one permanent ink on my body. I toy with the idea of a get-together, a gathering of people I have known and grown with over the years. Good food, lively conversation and an evening remembering the person I have become.

I wonder if I should start a jar of memories, a place for me (and my loved ones) to write notes to read later, tangible pieces that can’t disappear into the ether. I have lived a good life. I have experienced pain and loss, rejection and acceptance, love and joy in equal measure. I have had career highs and lows. I have given up on some dreams while holding on tenaciously to a few others.

All this to say, if you are someone who has had a milestone birthday, how have you marked it? If you are someone I know, would you leave a note in my inbox telling me how we know each other?

If this moved you, send a tip.