The sun glinting off the packed snow on the sides is blinding me. The roads are a hazy white, a fine layer of salt ground to dust by the cars that ply on them incessantly. I am driving slowly. My mind is heavy. I am heading back home after dropping my youngest at her school after a dental appointment. As I parked the car to drop her off a few minutes earlier, a cop car sat a slot away watching as I walked her into school. As I crossed the car, I subconsciously gripped my child’s hands. The guy in the car raised his hand in a friendly wave. I found my body relaxing as I waved back. The walk back to the car was quicker.
I reached home and removed the layers of protection against the cold. Gloves, scarf, cap, jacket. I kept the hoodie on. I logged into to work and got sucked into a meeting. An hour later, I heated up my kootu and sat at the table to eat my lunch. The morning still weighed on me. Over early morning coffee my twins and I talked about the executive order attempting to end birthright citizenship in America. We talked about the ICE raids starting today in major cities. I talked to them about their first and fifth amendment rights. We talked about the fourteenth amendment. As they put their coffee cups in the sink, I reminded them to fill it with water and just as they headed back to their rooms called out.
“Use your white privilege for the good…”
When the executive order news came out, my first instinct was to try to remember if my husband and I were citizens when my daughter was born. We were. Next, I went back to the time we adopted our older girls. What would take precedence here? Their original birth certificates or their amended one with our names in the space meant for parents? We were not citizens then but permanent residents. My mind went down a rabbit hole while acknowledging there was nothing to be done in any case.
As I walked around my house, I texted everyone in my house a copy of their rights. I searched my phone for copies of our passports I knew I had saved at some point. Not finding it, I scanned my email folders for it. Not finding it there either, I sent myself a note to send copies of our passports to each of our phones.
Was I overreacting?
Maybe not, a voice in my head was insisting.
Roe V Wade fell. Something that felt like it wouldn’t happen.
In 2016, I was naive, still hopeful that the guardrails (Judiciary) would hold. In 2024, I am less naive, more afraid. I am afraid that the guardrails will not hold. Before the elections when I ceaselessly shared snippets from Project 2025 and worried non stop about what could happen is unfolding exactly the way I thought it would.
Eventually it does not matter what happens, the damage is already happening. The damage to our psyche. The damage to the country. The damage to the world. We are watching what used to be a democracy slide into authoritarianism and eventually a dystopian nightmare. For every time I read a book on 1930s Germany and wondered how the people let it happen, I know the answer.
It happened with apathy. It happened with giving up on hope. It happened with everything being accepted as normal. It happened with insurrectionists being pardoned. It happened with a convicted felon being sworn in as President. It happened because enough people chose to look away.
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