It hits me in waves through the day, this notion that we are living through History. This year, this election, this place that America has in the world, it all comes to what happens today and in the weeks following.
Four years ago, I was buoyant. I was hopefully that THE glass ceiling will be shattered. I was ready, my children were ready for our first woman President. The morning after was that of shock and mourning. The grief was personal. I felt let down. I felt like everything I believed this country stood for had come crashing down. It was a hard week. I had personally invested in Hillary’s victory. Her ascent would have meant a path carved for my children.
Today, the mood is somber. I am stoic. I am ready for everything. I already know what the past four years have been. I am girding and bracing for four (or possibly eternal) descent into autocracy. I am ready for the in-your-face blatant misuse of power and grifting. I am prepared for the overturning of Roe v Wade, the undoing of the ACA.
In a way, since my mind has turned over and accepted things could be worse before anything changes, I am sitting back and waiting patiently. This does not mean I am not anxious. I am anxious enough to lose sleep. I am doom scrolling. I am following up with friends, neighbors and family to ensure they have voted and followed up on their ballot status. There is peace in knowing there is not much I could have done.
I have flour, jalapenos, sharp cheddar on the ready. I will spend my evening baking and, watching dough rise. I will shape and braid and wait patiently for it to rise again while the results trickle in. I will text my friends to check in. I will bake and cool and put away the loaves for another day.
Tomorrow morning though, I will not cry. I will not be depressed. I will be ready to work harder. I will live my life with joy. I will do what I can do and if things get too bad for me to raise my girls here, I will have those hard conversations with my family.
In the event that my team, Joe and Kamala win, I will cheer but I will also double down and work towards holding them accountable. I will learn about local offices, I will learn and research and file it all away for a day when I can take an active role. Until then, I will do what I promised myself and my adopted land when I took the pledge of allegiance for the first time.
I will be in pursuit of happiness to the best of my ability.