Appa, Musings

Triggers

I feel sated when I step off the elliptical. The kind of satisfaction that comes from knowing it was an enjoyable experience. I turn my phone on and see a notification from my aunt. It brings worrisome tidings. I call her and get her voicemail. Through the morning the phone lines are busy exchanging details […]

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Musings, Politics

Personal Politics

“So, has your group been talking about CAB/NRC?” My tone is mild. My ears, however, are alert, straining to hear nuance amidst the words. It is a letdown, however. Saathi deflects and turns the spotlight on me for wanting to talk about things divisive and ugly. I turn away, the warmth of the hot stove […]

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Gratitude, Musings

Bye, Bye Pria!

I suppose I should be sentimental. This week we traded in my very first car for something newer. I bought or rather Saathi bought me my first car a little before I turned 30. I spent all of my teens and twenties taking autos and cabs because I had debilitating road fear and I never […]

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Musings

Deep Winter

Coiled. Tight. Uneasy. That is how I feel most evenings. A deep-seated unease has taken hold. A discontent that I cannot seem to find the source for. I parse my everyday. I run through the hours trying to figure the catalyst, the instigator, the root of this feeling and I draw a blank each time. […]

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Death, Musings

Triggers

My eyes are crusty when I wake. In the dim light of dawn, I scrub my face and realize I have been crying. The kind of heaving, sobbing, heavy crying, deep in the throes of sleep. I went to bed thinking of my father in law who is recovering from an infection. Somewhere in my […]

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Election, Musings

Fear

Pattu walked down, groggy with sleep, sleepiness a cloud around her face. I turned to hold her and then pushed her away to go brush. “Amma, did Clinton win?” I did not look at her choosing instead to saute cauliflower, the hot pan sizzling and steaming, obscuring not just my tears. “No Pattu, Trump won. […]

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Musings

On Disillusionment

The bass beats drum slowly, steadily, loudly to one side of my bedroom. I toss and turn, the occasional headlight illuminating my angst against the music. I wonder why I am disappointed. I thought myself inured from people, from attachments but yet again, I lie awake pondering the depth of my hurt. For someone who […]

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Friendship, Musings, Sadness

Insidious Memories

The grated daikon glistens with moisture as I add finely diced green chillies to it. A sprinkle of sea salt and I am ready to make the dough. As I pound and shape the dough, memories seep in. The three of us in the kitchen. One at the stove, the other perched on the counter […]

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Abstract, Feelings, Personal, reflections

Warning: Hurt feelings ahead

“If you hurt my feelings one more time…” Pattu looks at Ammu with threatening eyes. Ammu replies hardly looking up from her coloring book “I hurt your feelings already. I hurt you first!” Saathi and I grin across the dining table and file these conversations to retold and enjoyed years later. My mind however is […]

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Adoption, Infertility, Pregnancy

Feeling like a fraud

Each day I wake up and feel I am living a lie. I am convinced my periods will show up and I can go back to the world I am at home in. Mother to two wonderful girls. A blessed life. This is an aberration. As my mom fusses about and refuses to let me […]

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Death, Loss

A life snuffed too soon.

Late evening, darkness falling silkily over the apartment on the 10th floor. The balcony is open with the evening breeze wafting in. The kitchen bustles with activity as dinner is being made. We sit in the modest living room. All of us gaggle of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces. Voices rise and fall, laughter being the […]

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Death, Sadness

Rest in peace Mumbai victims

Reading about the latest in the series of bomb blasts and shootings in Bombay makes me sick to the stomach. Will this mindless violence ever end?  May those who lost their lives today rest in peace and those who are injured make a speedy recovery. 

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Death, Feelings, Kovai, Memories, Sadness

Rest in Peace Uncle

As is my customary ritual I emailed my cousin V detailing my weekend jaunts. She replied back in an hour talking about her weekend and finished of her email with news of a family friend’s death. Somehow, reading her email made me feel sad. Real sad. For the longest time when I lived in CBE, […]

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