Triggers

I feel sated when I step off the elliptical. The kind of satisfaction that comes from knowing it was an enjoyable experience. I turn my phone on and see a notification from my aunt. It brings worrisome tidings. I call her and get her voicemail. Through the morning the phone lines are busy exchanging details … Continue reading Triggers

Personal Politics

“So, has your group been talking about CAB/NRC?” My tone is mild. My ears, however, are alert, straining to hear nuance amidst the words. It is a letdown, however. Saathi deflects and turns the spotlight on me for wanting to talk about things divisive and ugly. I turn away, the warmth of the hot stove … Continue reading Personal Politics

Bye, Bye Pria!

I suppose I should be sentimental. This week we traded in my very first car for something newer. I bought or rather Saathi bought me my first car a little before I turned 30. I spent all of my teens and twenties taking autos and cabs because I had debilitating road fear and I never … Continue reading Bye, Bye Pria!

Deep Winter

Coiled. Tight. Uneasy. That is how I feel most evenings. A deep-seated unease has taken hold. A discontent that I cannot seem to find the source for. I parse my everyday. I run through the hours trying to figure the catalyst, the instigator, the root of this feeling and I draw a blank each time. … Continue reading Deep Winter

Triggers

My eyes are crusty when I wake. In the dim light of dawn, I scrub my face and realize I have been crying. The kind of heaving, sobbing, heavy crying, deep in the throes of sleep. I went to bed thinking of my father in law who is recovering from an infection. Somewhere in my … Continue reading Triggers

Fear

Pattu walked down, groggy with sleep, sleepiness a cloud around her face. I turned to hold her and then pushed her away to go brush. “Amma, did Clinton win?” I did not look at her choosing instead to saute cauliflower, the hot pan sizzling and steaming, obscuring not just my tears. “No Pattu, Trump won. … Continue reading Fear

On Disillusionment

The bass beats drum slowly, steadily, loudly to one side of my bedroom. I toss and turn, the occasional headlight illuminating my angst against the music. I wonder why I am disappointed. I thought myself inured from people, from attachments but yet again, I lie awake pondering the depth of my hurt. For someone who … Continue reading On Disillusionment

Insidious Memories

The grated daikon glistens with moisture as I add finely diced green chillies to it. A sprinkle of sea salt and I am ready to make the dough. As I pound and shape the dough, memories seep in. The three of us in the kitchen. One at the stove, the other perched on the counter … Continue reading Insidious Memories

Warning: Hurt feelings ahead

"If you hurt my feelings one more time..." Pattu looks at Ammu with threatening eyes. Ammu replies hardly looking up from her coloring book "I hurt your feelings already. I hurt you first!" Saathi and I grin across the dining table and file these conversations to retold and enjoyed years later. My mind however is … Continue reading Warning: Hurt feelings ahead

Feeling like a fraud

Each day I wake up and feel I am living a lie. I am convinced my periods will show up and I can go back to the world I am at home in. Mother to two wonderful girls. A blessed life. This is an aberration. As my mom fusses about and refuses to let me … Continue reading Feeling like a fraud

A life snuffed too soon.

Late evening, darkness falling silkily over the apartment on the 10th floor. The balcony is open with the evening breeze wafting in. The kitchen bustles with activity as dinner is being made. We sit in the modest living room. All of us gaggle of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces. Voices rise and fall, laughter being the … Continue reading A life snuffed too soon.

Hope and Grief – Twin emotions

* Not suitable if you are looking for something feel good. Folding a humongous pile of clothes my mind wanders in a thousand scattered directions. The muted volume of the TV murmurs in the background. I take pause and notice every detail around me. In the mellow yellow glow of the recessed lighting everything looks … Continue reading Hope and Grief – Twin emotions

A floodgate of memories

Two years ago, give or take a few hours, I lost my dad. Our world as we knew it changed forever. All this week I have been consumed by moments of grief that choke my throat and cause my eyes to well up. I think of mom and her sense of loss. Each of us … Continue reading A floodgate of memories

Rest in Peace Uncle

As is my customary ritual I emailed my cousin V detailing my weekend jaunts. She replied back in an hour talking about her weekend and finished of her email with news of a family friend's death. Somehow, reading her email made me feel sad. Real sad. For the longest time when I lived in CBE, … Continue reading Rest in Peace Uncle

Goodbyes are hard!

Back at my desk after the regular status meeting our team has each week, my eyes fell on an innocuous looking email titled "Monday". I opened it to find my friend saying that Monday would be his last day with our team. I was shocked in some sense because it was too sudden. There was … Continue reading Goodbyes are hard!

Giving up control = Faith?

"When Man loses faith in himself, he starts believing in God!" This used to be Appa's response whenever I asked him why he turned from someone with no overt faith into one who experienced a sudden revival in faith towards the last decade of his life. Today I think I got what he meant. It … Continue reading Giving up control = Faith?