Hard Conversations

Photo by Vincent M.A. Janssen on Pexels.com Not unlike a day last year following George Floyd's death at the hands of the police, I stood by the kitchen island and played a seven minute video showing what happened in the nation's Capitol yesterday. All three of my children watched in horror as men and women … Continue reading Hard Conversations

The Race Conversation

“What is the meaning of race?” My elbows are flat against the kitchen island, my face level with my girls. “Run?” “Bring children up?” The twins come up with every possible meaning but the one I was curious to know what they knew. We drank our kaapi, set Laddu up so she could Facetime her … Continue reading The Race Conversation

COVID-19 Diaries: The Elephant In The Room

It is almost 6:00 pm. My mind is thinking about what to make for dinner. The IM on my work machine pings. The request is almost always polite, there is an illusion of choice. “I can do it,” I say. I want to be done with it as well. It is well past 7:00 pm … Continue reading COVID-19 Diaries: The Elephant In The Room

Ten Years. Many Lessons.

  This week marks ten years since we went from being a couple to parents of twins. Each year I struggle with marking the day. Obviously, it is of import to me. It also is of import to my children in ways I cannot measure or understand. I consciously stay away from anything celebratory. I … Continue reading Ten Years. Many Lessons.

Life Lessons: Friendships

I make my rounds quickly, wresting iPads from the twin's hands, grabbing school clothes for the littlest one, clearing clothes lying on the floor and generally making my impatience felt. I plug the iPads into the charger and notice Pattu’s iPad has her messages open. Her friend has sent her something that is the equivalent … Continue reading Life Lessons: Friendships

Letters To The World: Navigating Uncharted Waters

Dear All, A few weeks ago, I got a rather terse text from a fellow school mom asking if we could chat. An hour later I sat in my study feeling unmoored. Long story short, the school had an app on their school iPads that permitted outsiders to use the messaging in it to reach … Continue reading Letters To The World: Navigating Uncharted Waters

Growing Up

I pass Laddu’s bedroom en route to mine. A cutout of a rainbow is taped to her door. The door is closed. It bothers me but I can’t quite figure out why. I straighten the bed in Pattu’s room. All around me are signs of disorganization. I sigh and look up. On the ceiling right … Continue reading Growing Up

Conversations On Race

My girls and their cousins are snuggled up on the couch, sharing two throws between them. The lighting is muted. I am on a reclining single sofa by myself, my neck craned at an angle to watch the movie with them. Every few minutes when a significant scene occurs on screen, I am watching the … Continue reading Conversations On Race

One Walk At A Time

It is growing dark. Pattu's flashlight bobs up and down in the dusk. I am walking beside her and watching her try to stamp on the beam's focal point. It is like watching a dog chase its tail. Exhausting and entertaining at the same time. I throw a question at her and hope to catch … Continue reading One Walk At A Time

Untaught Lessons

I am driving home from my brother's place. Amma is in the passenger seat beside me. Pattu and Laddu are in the back seat bopping to the music streaming from my phone. In the front, we are catching up on the weekend and trading stories. New Rules by Dua Lipa comes on. I lip sync … Continue reading Untaught Lessons

Becoming Our Mothers

In the midst of stir-frying a melange of vegetables for my children's’ lunchbox, I reach out for my phone. I shake the pan on one hand and scroll through my FB feed on the other. I set the pan down and lean on the kitchen counter as I catch up on writing-related posts. Next up … Continue reading Becoming Our Mothers

Glorious Days

Laddu is hard at work at the breakfast table, the lamp throwing a halo around her tiny head. Her hair covers her face. “What’s next after GO amma?” “How do you spell AKKAS?” I call out spellings even as I muddle through improper fractions with Ammu and Pattu. After the twins stuff their homework into … Continue reading Glorious Days

Slice Of Life: Watching Children Grow

Laddu stands in front of me, her body leaner, taller than I thought. I liberally apply a moisturizer to her skin that drinks it in. Her long hair is in braids, one on either side of her face. The baby fat is melting away leaving in place a little girl who is growing way too … Continue reading Slice Of Life: Watching Children Grow

Open Adoption: Real Lives. Real Impacts.

My daughter, all of nine and I are standing, facing each other. I hold a tube of cucumber face pack and apply the goo in an even layer all over her face. I avoid her fine blond hair, so pale that I have to look carefully to even see it. Up close, her face is … Continue reading Open Adoption: Real Lives. Real Impacts.

Royal Ramblings

Ammu is curled up in a ball at the end of the sofa. Laddu and Pattu are tossing a balloon between them using their cheap plastic wands as bats to hit the balloon. “We are playing royal tennis,” Laddu tells me as I pass them to reach Ammu. I stroke Ammu’s forehead, gathering her body … Continue reading Royal Ramblings

In The Eyes Of The Beholder

The house is quiet. Saathi is clacking away at his keyboard at our kitchen island. I am tempted to go find what the girls are up to. Instead, I find a pair of socks, wear my sneakers and head out for a walk. It is fall weather. The sidewalk all around the community I live … Continue reading In The Eyes Of The Beholder

The Struggle Is Real

“You are burning up!” I yell at someone in my dream. The feeling is too real. I wake up with a gasp and realize that Laddu is in bed, her arm resting on mine. Her skin is hot to touch. I touch her forehead and with a sigh push the covers off and make my … Continue reading The Struggle Is Real

Like A Wrecking Ball

I look at the dusk setting just outside the window of my dining room. The soles of my feet hurt from standing tad too long in the kitchen. My back aches from all the pots and pans that would not fit in the dishwasher. I am tired. I long to walk outside. To feel the … Continue reading Like A Wrecking Ball

Before And After

  Some moments in life are definitive. The Before. The After. I stormed out of the local laboratory, a sobbing Ammu behind me. The walk to the car seemed interminable. I knew I should have stopped, bent to her level, held her close, wiped her tears and walked slowly, together to the car. Yet, I … Continue reading Before And After

Epiphany: Adoption Edition

I step past Laddu lying on the wooden floor in front of the fridge, in the throes of a magnificent meltdown. Her body heaves and lets out huge sobs, almost too big for her. Her eyes are red, her snot and slob all mixed into a runny mess on her face. I am tempted to … Continue reading Epiphany: Adoption Edition

Flying Solo

I wake up in the dead of the night. Squinting, I realize it is 2:00 AM. I slide out of Laddu’s bed noiselessly and pad my way to my bed. Even as I decide to use the restroom, Laddu plods in behind me, her plaintive cry raising my hackles. Irritably, I climb into the cold … Continue reading Flying Solo