Children, Daughters, Reflections

The Race Conversation

“What is the meaning of race?” My elbows are flat against the kitchen island, my face level with my girls. “Run?” “Bring children up?” The twins come up with every possible meaning but the one I was curious to know what they knew. We drank our kaapi, set Laddu up so she could Facetime her […]

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Letters to my daughters, Musings

Life Lessons: Friendships

I make my rounds quickly, wresting iPads from the twin’s hands, grabbing school clothes for the littlest one, clearing clothes lying on the floor and generally making my impatience felt. I plug the iPads into the charger and notice Pattu’s iPad has her messages open. Her friend has sent her something that is the equivalent […]

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Children, Daughters, Life, Musings

Growing Up

I pass Laddu’s bedroom en route to mine. A cutout of a rainbow is taped to her door. The door is closed. It bothers me but I can’t quite figure out why. I straighten the bed in Pattu’s room. All around me are signs of disorganization. I sigh and look up. On the ceiling right […]

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Musings, Race

Conversations On Race

My girls and their cousins are snuggled up on the couch, sharing two throws between them. The lighting is muted. I am on a reclining single sofa by myself, my neck craned at an angle to watch the movie with them. Every few minutes when a significant scene occurs on screen, I am watching the […]

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Daughters, Motherhood, Mothering, Musings

One Walk At A Time

It is growing dark. Pattu’s flashlight bobs up and down in the dusk. I am walking beside her and watching her try to stamp on the beam’s focal point. It is like watching a dog chase its tail. Exhausting and entertaining at the same time. I throw a question at her and hope to catch […]

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Aware parenting, Children, Musings

Untaught Lessons

I am driving home from my brother’s place. Amma is in the passenger seat beside me. Pattu and Laddu are in the back seat bopping to the music streaming from my phone. In the front, we are catching up on the weekend and trading stories. New Rules by Dua Lipa comes on. I lip sync […]

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Laddu, Musings

Glorious Days

Laddu is hard at work at the breakfast table, the lamp throwing a halo around her tiny head. Her hair covers her face. “What’s next after GO amma?” “How do you spell AKKAS?” I call out spellings even as I muddle through improper fractions with Ammu and Pattu. After the twins stuff their homework into […]

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Aware parenting, Musings, Parenting

Royal Ramblings

Ammu is curled up in a ball at the end of the sofa. Laddu and Pattu are tossing a balloon between them using their cheap plastic wands as bats to hit the balloon. “We are playing royal tennis,” Laddu tells me as I pass them to reach Ammu. I stroke Ammu’s forehead, gathering her body […]

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Life, Musings

In The Eyes Of The Beholder

The house is quiet. Saathi is clacking away at his keyboard at our kitchen island. I am tempted to go find what the girls are up to. Instead, I find a pair of socks, wear my sneakers and head out for a walk. It is fall weather. The sidewalk all around the community I live […]

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Musings, SAHM

The Struggle Is Real

“You are burning up!” I yell at someone in my dream. The feeling is too real. I wake up with a gasp and realize that Laddu is in bed, her arm resting on mine. Her skin is hot to touch. I touch her forehead and with a sigh push the covers off and make my […]

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Motherhood, Mothering, Musings, Parenting

Like A Wrecking Ball

I look at the dusk setting just outside the window of my dining room. The soles of my feet hurt from standing tad too long in the kitchen. My back aches from all the pots and pans that would not fit in the dishwasher. I am tired. I long to walk outside. To feel the […]

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Children, Musings, Parenting

Before And After

  Some moments in life are definitive. The Before. The After. I stormed out of the local laboratory, a sobbing Ammu behind me. The walk to the car seemed interminable. I knew I should have stopped, bent to her level, held her close, wiped her tears and walked slowly, together to the car. Yet, I […]

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Adoption, Musings

Epiphany: Adoption Edition

I step past Laddu lying on the wooden floor in front of the fridge, in the throes of a magnificent meltdown. Her body heaves and lets out huge sobs, almost too big for her. Her eyes are red, her snot and slob all mixed into a runny mess on her face. I am tempted to […]

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Musings, Parenting

Flying Solo

I wake up in the dead of the night. Squinting, I realize it is 2:00 AM. I slide out of Laddu’s bed noiselessly and pad my way to my bed. Even as I decide to use the restroom, Laddu plods in behind me, her plaintive cry raising my hackles. Irritably, I climb into the cold […]

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Daughters, Musings, Parenting

Sibling Rivalry 2.0

“Akka, can you play blocks with me?” Laddu looks at Pattu with pleading eyes. Her Akka looks condescendingly at the magnetic blocks strewn at Laddu’s feet and walks away not deigning to respond. “Akka, open your mouth, I will feed you the gummy vitamins,” Laddu is on tiptoe trying to reach Ammu’s mouth. Ammu’s lips […]

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