Musings, Reflections

Coming Home

I stand stir-frying okra at the gas stove. It is past our usual dinner time but then it is a Saturday that also involved a solid two-hour nap in the afternoon. The smell of asafetida in oil, the heady scent of turmeric as it mixes and coats the now dry okra takes me back to […]

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Appa, Family, Father, Loss, Musings

Losses Unknown

“Can you show me a picture of thatha?” Laddu asks, thrusting an old album at me. “Sure!” I say as I flip open the book. In my head, I am thinking Giri thatha, my Appa who never knew his granddaughters. I know though that she is talking about Rajamani thatha, the only one she has […]

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Death, Musings

In Rainbows And Colors, She Rests

It arrives in the form of a grave email, the somber tone, the weight of the words taking time to sink. It steeps in me, slowly. I feel it in my eyes, in my throat, in the pit of my stomach. I call out to my children who are working on Math. I share with […]

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Death, Musings

Triggers

My eyes are crusty when I wake. In the dim light of dawn, I scrub my face and realize I have been crying. The kind of heaving, sobbing, heavy crying, deep in the throes of sleep. I went to bed thinking of my father in law who is recovering from an infection. Somewhere in my […]

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Adoption, Musings

Of Sobfests And Deep Learnings

I walk down, groggy from a nap that did nothing to wash away the bone-deep exhaustion I am feeling. I hear the giggles quiet down, the TV is turned off and a hush descends on the home. I wince trying to ignore the effect I have on my children. We array ourselves around the kitchen […]

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Death, Musings

Grief And Regrets

I sit up wide awake from what must have been a light sleep. The clock reads 4:00 AM. I pick my phone as is habit. The first status on my newsfeed is a cryptic message mourning the loss of someone who was once dear to me. A childhood friend, a friend from my teenage, a […]

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Appa, Loss, Musings, Pain

Ten Years Of Grief

I pause at the doorway, my eyes lingering on the monthly planner. The kids have been crossing out days religiously since the beginning of the month to Thanksgiving. My eyes however, have been on a different date. The funk has been closing in on me like an ominous bubble. Sometimes they are visceral, sometimes they […]

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Adoption, Loss, Musings

When Love Is Not Enough

“She reminds me so much of my daughter when she was this age!” “She is so much like you.” “Perfect mix of you and Saathi.” The comments make me smile. I touch my daughters cheeks and mine as if the contours tell a story that only my fingers understand. She looks at me, eyes bright […]

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Death, Loss

A life snuffed too soon.

Late evening, darkness falling silkily over the apartment on the 10th floor. The balcony is open with the evening breeze wafting in. The kitchen bustles with activity as dinner is being made. We sit in the modest living room. All of us gaggle of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces. Voices rise and fall, laughter being the […]

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Anniversary, Appa, Family, Feelings, Life, Memories, Personal

In memoriam

Today marks four years to the day since Appa breathed his last. As my mother, sister and I stood around his bedside and watched the monitor mark the end, it also marked the end of an era. A period of my life marked by unconditional, silent love. Today as I grieve the loss of my […]

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Anniversary, Appa, Life, Memories, Personal

Remembering Appa

Late yesterday evening as the closing credits rolled on screen after the movie ended, I was a sobbing blubbery mess. The lines were fuzzy between the body on the funeral pyre on TV and the one of Appa in my mind. That one image was enough to send me back three years in time to […]

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