COVID-19

COVID-19 Diaries: A Lull

I woke today to news that Amma may be discharged in a day or two. Panic set in. Was she really okay? What if she got sent home and her condition worsened? How will we manage to clean the home and make it ready in a day? What preparation do we need to do in […]

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COVID-19

COVID-19 Diaries: Bone Tired

It has been five days since Amma has been admitted. The communication gaps when trying to coordinate care in a country 8000 miles away is staggering. Basic questions like what medications is she on? Why is she being given the medicines she is being administered? What is the prognosis? Will they check her lungs again? […]

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COVID-19, Family, Musings

COVID-19 Diaries: Direct Hit

Over the weeks, I have mused countless times about how much the pandemic occupies my thoughts. I have imagined in vivid detail what the virus does and can do to our bodies. I have feared that someone dear to me might be affected. Amma spiked a fever ten days ago. A mild fever she said. […]

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Birthday, COVID-19, Milestones, Musings

COVID-19 Diaries: Missed Milestones

“Can you bake me a chocolate cake?” My littlest one asks, her round eyes wide with anticipation. I add ingredients to my virtual cart and cross my fingers and pray. “How many days to my birthday?” “Can I wear a dress for my birthday?” “Can you get me an Elsa bike?” “Can you get me […]

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Appa, Musings

Triggers

I feel sated when I step off the elliptical. The kind of satisfaction that comes from knowing it was an enjoyable experience. I turn my phone on and see a notification from my aunt. It brings worrisome tidings. I call her and get her voicemail. Through the morning the phone lines are busy exchanging details […]

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Musings, Reflections

Coming Home

I stand stir-frying okra at the gas stove. It is past our usual dinner time but then it is a Saturday that also involved a solid two-hour nap in the afternoon. The smell of asafetida in oil, the heady scent of turmeric as it mixes and coats the now dry okra takes me back to […]

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Death, Life, Musings

Inscrutable Grief

My toes feel the sand as it oozes through the gaps, a sludge of water and sand. The debris the waves deposit and pull back from the shore sometimes grazes my naked calf. I don’t quite like the sensation, or the imagination my mind conjures. It feels like someone is churning the ocean, generating ripples, […]

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Appa, Family, Father, Loss, Musings

Losses Unknown

“Can you show me a picture of thatha?” Laddu asks, thrusting an old album at me. “Sure!” I say as I flip open the book. In my head, I am thinking Giri thatha, my Appa who never knew his granddaughters. I know though that she is talking about Rajamani thatha, the only one she has […]

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Death, Musings

Of Saying Good Bye

The sky is endlessly grey as we drive back home from the airport. The children are squabbling at the back while Saathi concentrates on the road. I am ostensibly looking at my phone but my head is trying to wrap itself around the fact that the world now does not contain my father in law […]

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Death, Musings

Triggers

My eyes are crusty when I wake. In the dim light of dawn, I scrub my face and realize I have been crying. The kind of heaving, sobbing, heavy crying, deep in the throes of sleep. I went to bed thinking of my father in law who is recovering from an infection. Somewhere in my […]

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Musings

Walking Back On A Promise

The house is silent. A little too silent for my taste. Grief is a strange animal. It creeps on you like a fog, inching its way up slowly and before you know it, you are covered, smothered and struggling to breathe. In the first few days after Darla came home, I realized I was in […]

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Appa, Loss, Musings, Pain

Ten Years Of Grief

I pause at the doorway, my eyes lingering on the monthly planner. The kids have been crossing out days religiously since the beginning of the month to Thanksgiving. My eyes however, have been on a different date. The funk has been closing in on me like an ominous bubble. Sometimes they are visceral, sometimes they […]

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Death, Loss

A life snuffed too soon.

Late evening, darkness falling silkily over the apartment on the 10th floor. The balcony is open with the evening breeze wafting in. The kitchen bustles with activity as dinner is being made. We sit in the modest living room. All of us gaggle of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces. Voices rise and fall, laughter being the […]

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