Memories Bring Back Memories

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com Today marks eleven years to the day since we received the call from the social worker. It was a Thursday, like today. Earlier in the morning, I had written in my blog. “Ever get that feeling that you are caught on the median with vehicles flying past both ways wondering … Continue reading Memories Bring Back Memories

Sitting With The Pain

Photo by Zeynep Sude EMEK on Pexels.com My eyes are glued to my phone, the screen that is being shared too tiny for me to follow. The voice in my ears is talking about some test strategy. I am there mentally but physically I am in the morning sun, walking home after waving bye to … Continue reading Sitting With The Pain

COVID-19 Diaries: A Lull

Photo by ArtHouse Studio on Pexels.com I woke today to news that Amma may be discharged in a day or two. Panic set in. Was she really okay? What if she got sent home and her condition worsened? How will we manage to clean the home and make it ready in a day? What preparation … Continue reading COVID-19 Diaries: A Lull

COVID-19 Diaries: Bone Tired

Photo by Sofia Garza on Pexels.com It has been five days since Amma has been admitted. The communication gaps when trying to coordinate care in a country 8000 miles away is staggering. Basic questions like what medications is she on? Why is she being given the medicines she is being administered? What is the prognosis? … Continue reading COVID-19 Diaries: Bone Tired

COVID-19 Diaries: Direct Hit

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Pexels.com Over the weeks, I have mused countless times about how much the pandemic occupies my thoughts. I have imagined in vivid detail what the virus does and can do to our bodies. I have feared that someone dear to me might be affected. Amma spiked a fever ten days … Continue reading COVID-19 Diaries: Direct Hit

Adoption: Do Not Adopt Unless You WANT To

I woke up to a message on FB with a link to this Buzzfeed article on Myka Stauffer. Prior to reading the article, I had no idea who she was. It is a reflection on how little I am connected to the world of influencers and their ilk. I read the article a few times. … Continue reading Adoption: Do Not Adopt Unless You WANT To

COVID-19 Diaries: Missed Milestones

“Can you bake me a chocolate cake?” My littlest one asks, her round eyes wide with anticipation. I add ingredients to my virtual cart and cross my fingers and pray. “How many days to my birthday?” “Can I wear a dress for my birthday?” “Can you get me an Elsa bike?” “Can you get me … Continue reading COVID-19 Diaries: Missed Milestones

Triggers

I feel sated when I step off the elliptical. The kind of satisfaction that comes from knowing it was an enjoyable experience. I turn my phone on and see a notification from my aunt. It brings worrisome tidings. I call her and get her voicemail. Through the morning the phone lines are busy exchanging details … Continue reading Triggers

Coming Home

I stand stir-frying okra at the gas stove. It is past our usual dinner time but then it is a Saturday that also involved a solid two-hour nap in the afternoon. The smell of asafetida in oil, the heady scent of turmeric as it mixes and coats the now dry okra takes me back to … Continue reading Coming Home

Inscrutable Grief

My toes feel the sand as it oozes through the gaps, a sludge of water and sand. The debris the waves deposit and pull back from the shore sometimes grazes my naked calf. I don’t quite like the sensation, or the imagination my mind conjures. It feels like someone is churning the ocean, generating ripples, … Continue reading Inscrutable Grief

Losses Unknown

“Can you show me a picture of thatha?” Laddu asks, thrusting an old album at me. “Sure!” I say as I flip open the book. In my head, I am thinking Giri thatha, my Appa who never knew his granddaughters. I know though that she is talking about Rajamani thatha, the only one she has … Continue reading Losses Unknown

Of Saying Good Bye

The sky is endlessly grey as we drive back home from the airport. The children are squabbling at the back while Saathi concentrates on the road. I am ostensibly looking at my phone but my head is trying to wrap itself around the fact that the world now does not contain my father in law … Continue reading Of Saying Good Bye

Triggers

My eyes are crusty when I wake. In the dim light of dawn, I scrub my face and realize I have been crying. The kind of heaving, sobbing, heavy crying, deep in the throes of sleep. I went to bed thinking of my father in law who is recovering from an infection. Somewhere in my … Continue reading Triggers

Walking Back On A Promise

The house is silent. A little too silent for my taste. Grief is a strange animal. It creeps on you like a fog, inching its way up slowly and before you know it, you are covered, smothered and struggling to breathe. In the first few days after Darla came home, I realized I was in … Continue reading Walking Back On A Promise

Ten Years Of Grief

I pause at the doorway, my eyes lingering on the monthly planner. The kids have been crossing out days religiously since the beginning of the month to Thanksgiving. My eyes however, have been on a different date. The funk has been closing in on me like an ominous bubble. Sometimes they are visceral, sometimes they … Continue reading Ten Years Of Grief

A life snuffed too soon.

Late evening, darkness falling silkily over the apartment on the 10th floor. The balcony is open with the evening breeze wafting in. The kitchen bustles with activity as dinner is being made. We sit in the modest living room. All of us gaggle of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces. Voices rise and fall, laughter being the … Continue reading A life snuffed too soon.

Hope and Grief – Twin emotions

* Not suitable if you are looking for something feel good. Folding a humongous pile of clothes my mind wanders in a thousand scattered directions. The muted volume of the TV murmurs in the background. I take pause and notice every detail around me. In the mellow yellow glow of the recessed lighting everything looks … Continue reading Hope and Grief – Twin emotions