Deepavali Is An Emotion

Photo by Debabrath Goswami on Pexels.com My feed(s) on social media are filled with Diwali wishes. They feature clay diyas with flickering shadows, bright colored rangoli and mithai boxes. The wishes feel alien, the way it feels when someone wishes me Happy Halloween. These customs are new and strange. As a family we have taken … Continue reading Deepavali Is An Emotion

Triggers

I feel sated when I step off the elliptical. The kind of satisfaction that comes from knowing it was an enjoyable experience. I turn my phone on and see a notification from my aunt. It brings worrisome tidings. I call her and get her voicemail. Through the morning the phone lines are busy exchanging details … Continue reading Triggers

Inscrutable Grief

My toes feel the sand as it oozes through the gaps, a sludge of water and sand. The debris the waves deposit and pull back from the shore sometimes grazes my naked calf. I don’t quite like the sensation, or the imagination my mind conjures. It feels like someone is churning the ocean, generating ripples, … Continue reading Inscrutable Grief

Losses Unknown

“Can you show me a picture of thatha?” Laddu asks, thrusting an old album at me. “Sure!” I say as I flip open the book. In my head, I am thinking Giri thatha, my Appa who never knew his granddaughters. I know though that she is talking about Rajamani thatha, the only one she has … Continue reading Losses Unknown

Of Saying Good Bye

The sky is endlessly grey as we drive back home from the airport. The children are squabbling at the back while Saathi concentrates on the road. I am ostensibly looking at my phone but my head is trying to wrap itself around the fact that the world now does not contain my father in law … Continue reading Of Saying Good Bye

On Dying, Death And The After

The past couple of weeks have been rough. As forty-somethings wedged in the middle, little kids on one end and the aging parents on the other, we have seesawed between caretaking for both, sometimes continents apart. A routine phone call had us scrambling to find tickets for Saathi. He waited at the hospital where his … Continue reading On Dying, Death And The After

Imprints of Souls Past

Ammu, Pattu, Laddu and I clamber into an auto that is standing a few feet from our home. I throw my bulky bag at the back and adjust the baby on me before the auto jerks and moves. The traffic is minimal and the breeze feels lovely in the morning sun.“Your Appa went to the … Continue reading Imprints of Souls Past

Nine years of missing you

It’s been nine years since Appa passed away. The immediacy of the pain has gone, the edges dulled and rounded. Memories do not assail me at unexpected times. Yet, appa is in my thoughts every now and then. He slips into my dreams, looking just the way I remember him best, in his fifties. He … Continue reading Nine years of missing you

Tis the time for thanks

I watch as Saathi cajoles and sweet talks the twins into posing for pictures. It is a regular Sunday. Toys are lined on the stairs leading to our upper level. Laughter reverberates around the home. I watch dad and daughters soak up each other and feel a pang. This time of the year reminds me … Continue reading Tis the time for thanks

Kindred spirits

I packed away my earphones, grabbed the umbrella remembering the thunder shower warnings and gave the front seats of my car a last glance before I locked and walked away. Waiting for the elevator, I noticed a gentleman unloading his trunk of a pack of water bottles and mini cupcakes. Potluck breakfast I thought as … Continue reading Kindred spirits

Memories don’t fade

Yesterday was one of those days when I woke with a heaviness in my heart. The kind you keep to yourself. All day, it lay there subtly beneath the layers without rearing its head. Sitting across my amma, it finally popped out. The untold, unasked questions. Are you feeling sad I asked. Did not think … Continue reading Memories don’t fade

Daddy’s Daughters

"Hugssss!!" "Hugss" repeats Cee endearingly stretching her arms sideways from her high chair. I stand half amused watching K shuttle between the girls dispensing hugs, healing boo-boos and planting kisses on chubby cheeks. Over the past year I have watched K evolve as a father. He is their primary care giver and by that commands … Continue reading Daddy’s Daughters

Remembering Appa

Driving into work today, I decided to give the earphones a pass and tuned into NPR. There was the news about Libya and then something about predator drones and my mind was weaving in and out, the sound bytes alternatively being loud and fading out. The weather and traffic updates followed. Then was this story … Continue reading Remembering Appa

Cricket, Cinema and Coffee

Slowly extricating my lifeless arm from under Kay's head where it had been for the past hour or more, I rolled down from the sofa to the carpeted floor with a soft thud. Picking myself up, adjusting the burgundy throw around Kay, I glanced at Cee fast asleep on the other couch. Finding another throw, … Continue reading Cricket, Cinema and Coffee

In memoriam

Today marks four years to the day since Appa breathed his last. As my mother, sister and I stood around his bedside and watched the monitor mark the end, it also marked the end of an era. A period of my life marked by unconditional, silent love. Today as I grieve the loss of my … Continue reading In memoriam

Change

I logged in to work early this morning to find an email from the Employee Support Desk letting me know that my name was now officially changed and all systems would now reflect the new name. Just like that, I became a new person. What's in a name? I have often wondered. Depending on my … Continue reading Change

Remembering Appa

Late yesterday evening as the closing credits rolled on screen after the movie ended, I was a sobbing blubbery mess. The lines were fuzzy between the body on the funeral pyre on TV and the one of Appa in my mind. That one image was enough to send me back three years in time to … Continue reading Remembering Appa

Sepia toned. Warm.

Logging into work bright and early, I place my fingers at the feet of the tiny pillayar at my desk and touch it to my eyes. Like I do on days when I feel happy. Or sad. Or in need of reassurance. I turned and spied a new addition to my desk. A picture of … Continue reading Sepia toned. Warm.

I remember you today Appa

Done talking with my FIL, K turned on the TV. In over one hour of programming we were exposed to a slew of ads for Father's day. My mind travelled years back in time. With no special day to remember dads or make them feel special. I hope you knew you were always special. You … Continue reading I remember you today Appa

Linked by loss

Plate in hand with pure white curd rice, I hesitated a moment between the curried vegetable and tomato thokku and helped myself to a generous helping of the pickle. As I ate taking care to keep the white of the curd rice unsullied by color, I was reminded of my Appa. "He used to love … Continue reading Linked by loss

A floodgate of memories

Two years ago, give or take a few hours, I lost my dad. Our world as we knew it changed forever. All this week I have been consumed by moments of grief that choke my throat and cause my eyes to well up. I think of mom and her sense of loss. Each of us … Continue reading A floodgate of memories