Appa, Musings

Triggers

I feel sated when I step off the elliptical. The kind of satisfaction that comes from knowing it was an enjoyable experience. I turn my phone on and see a notification from my aunt. It brings worrisome tidings. I call her and get her voicemail. Through the morning the phone lines are busy exchanging details […]

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Death, Life, Musings

Inscrutable Grief

My toes feel the sand as it oozes through the gaps, a sludge of water and sand. The debris the waves deposit and pull back from the shore sometimes grazes my naked calf. I don’t quite like the sensation, or the imagination my mind conjures. It feels like someone is churning the ocean, generating ripples, […]

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Appa, Family, Father, Loss, Musings

Losses Unknown

“Can you show me a picture of thatha?” Laddu asks, thrusting an old album at me. “Sure!” I say as I flip open the book. In my head, I am thinking Giri thatha, my Appa who never knew his granddaughters. I know though that she is talking about Rajamani thatha, the only one she has […]

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Death, Musings

Of Saying Good Bye

The sky is endlessly grey as we drive back home from the airport. The children are squabbling at the back while Saathi concentrates on the road. I am ostensibly looking at my phone but my head is trying to wrap itself around the fact that the world now does not contain my father in law […]

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Appa, Musings

On Dying, Death And The After

The past couple of weeks have been rough. As forty-somethings wedged in the middle, little kids on one end and the aging parents on the other, we have seesawed between caretaking for both, sometimes continents apart. A routine phone call had us scrambling to find tickets for Saathi. He waited at the hospital where his […]

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Musings

Imprints of Souls Past

Ammu, Pattu, Laddu and I clamber into an auto that is standing a few feet from our home. I throw my bulky bag at the back and adjust the baby on me before the auto jerks and moves. The traffic is minimal and the breeze feels lovely in the morning sun. “Your Appa went to […]

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Appa, Musings

Nine years of missing you

It’s been nine years since Appa passed away. The immediacy of the pain has gone, the edges dulled and rounded. Memories do not assail me at unexpected times. Yet, appa is in my thoughts every now and then. He slips into my dreams, looking just the way I remember him best, in his fifties. He […]

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