Inscrutable Grief

My toes feel the sand as it oozes through the gaps, a sludge of water and sand. The debris the waves deposit and pull back from the shore sometimes grazes my naked calf. I don’t quite like the sensation, or the imagination my mind conjures. It feels like someone is churning the ocean, generating ripples, … Continue reading Inscrutable Grief

In Rainbows And Colors, She Rests

It arrives in the form of a grave email, the somber tone, the weight of the words taking time to sink. It steeps in me, slowly. I feel it in my eyes, in my throat, in the pit of my stomach. I call out to my children who are working on Math. I share with … Continue reading In Rainbows And Colors, She Rests

Of Saying Good Bye

The sky is endlessly grey as we drive back home from the airport. The children are squabbling at the back while Saathi concentrates on the road. I am ostensibly looking at my phone but my head is trying to wrap itself around the fact that the world now does not contain my father in law … Continue reading Of Saying Good Bye

Triggers

My eyes are crusty when I wake. In the dim light of dawn, I scrub my face and realize I have been crying. The kind of heaving, sobbing, heavy crying, deep in the throes of sleep. I went to bed thinking of my father in law who is recovering from an infection. Somewhere in my … Continue reading Triggers

Paying Tributes Over Time and Space

I eye the phone longingly. My fingers itch to dial Amma’s cell phone number but I desist. I can picture my family this morning. All of my dad’s siblings and their spouses gathered to observe the yearly anniversary of my Thatha’s passing. I imagine the kitchen busy, bustling. I can almost see my aunts and … Continue reading Paying Tributes Over Time and Space

Grief And Regrets

I sit up wide awake from what must have been a light sleep. The clock reads 4:00 AM. I pick my phone as is habit. The first status on my newsfeed is a cryptic message mourning the loss of someone who was once dear to me. A childhood friend, a friend from my teenage, a … Continue reading Grief And Regrets

The Spectacle That Is Death

I scroll through my twitter feed, aimless, bored. I hit the search button and key in #Jayalalithaa the results stream in reiterating the same things from the last time I searched about an hour ago. I am fascinated. I am obsessed. I am morbidly curious. In 1999, my Appa lay in the same hospital in … Continue reading The Spectacle That Is Death

Bittersweet

I sit in the silent living room, the silence accentuated by the sounds of my fingers flying on the keyboard. I sit trying to make sense of the meltdown I just witnessed. Ammu, for forty-five minutes today you wept. Distraught and inconsolable. The only words you kept repeating were "Daddy". I held you close, I … Continue reading Bittersweet

A life snuffed too soon.

Late evening, darkness falling silkily over the apartment on the 10th floor. The balcony is open with the evening breeze wafting in. The kitchen bustles with activity as dinner is being made. We sit in the modest living room. All of us gaggle of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces. Voices rise and fall, laughter being the … Continue reading A life snuffed too soon.

The place of understanding

Phone cradled between my ear and neck, I stirred a creamy concoction of butter, milk and cheese all the while listening to a broken soul on the other end. My chitappa, voice breaking, was trying to make sense of the loss in his life. As I held on even if just in silence I realized … Continue reading The place of understanding

The woman who was a child

I remember her first as a bride, milk white next to my rather dark chitappa. I was in fourth grade then. The competition was fierce to vie for her affections amidst a brood of siblings and cousins. Snatches of images crowd my brain. Her in a six yards saree when my mom and other chithi … Continue reading The woman who was a child

I remember

The sound of the phone droned in my head in deep sleep. Rubbing my eyes awake I saw the clock show 3:48 AM. A phone call at that hour only meant one thing. Death. So it was. My cousin was calling to share the news that a great-aunt passed away. I put the receiver down … Continue reading I remember

At crossroads in my belief system

I grew up in a conservative, rather traditional tambram family. Observing practices like ecchal, patthu, theetu and madi*. I never thought too much about it but for the theetu part. I know much has been said about it in various posts on the blogosphere and I am not bringing it up again. I also grew … Continue reading At crossroads in my belief system

A floodgate of memories

Two years ago, give or take a few hours, I lost my dad. Our world as we knew it changed forever. All this week I have been consumed by moments of grief that choke my throat and cause my eyes to well up. I think of mom and her sense of loss. Each of us … Continue reading A floodgate of memories

Morbidly fascinating

There are some things that fascinate me. Most of them are morbid. Like Snakes. And Death. A couple of days back, K and I watched this documentary on TV. It was a movie called The Bridge and it was about people falling to their deaths from the Golden Gate bridge. Suicides. Watching person after person … Continue reading Morbidly fascinating

Rest in Peace Uncle

As is my customary ritual I emailed my cousin V detailing my weekend jaunts. She replied back in an hour talking about her weekend and finished of her email with news of a family friend's death. Somehow, reading her email made me feel sad. Real sad. For the longest time when I lived in CBE, … Continue reading Rest in Peace Uncle

In grief we unite

As my mom spoke of yet another good friend who lost her mom this past week, I slipped into a melancholic state. The raw feelings of grief that washed over me when I realized my dad's loss revisited me all over again. No matter our age, it is always hard to deal with the loss … Continue reading In grief we unite

Then and now

Photographs have a way of making me melancholy. I look at pictures from my past and relive the moment the picture was taken. Sitting on my desk at work is a picture of my dad in his blue collared tee shirt with red horizontal stripes spaced wide apart. He has a nice smile and his … Continue reading Then and now

An Ode to my Paati

I visited her on Saturday. I was saddened by what I saw. A person whom in my mind had a towering presence was reduced to a bag of bones and skin. All this change in a little over a year. I stood beside her bed piteously calling her. Something must have stirred in her subconscious … Continue reading An Ode to my Paati

Happy 60th Birthday Daddy!!!

If you had been alive today we would have celebrated your and amma's shashtiapdhapoorthi here at Bridegwater. Memories swirl around me. It still does not register that you are gone forever. I refuse to believe you are not here. Saathi and I sang a Happy Birthday song for you today. This is all we could do. Much … Continue reading Happy 60th Birthday Daddy!!!