Life post book release has gone from adrenaline highs, early morning zoom calls and, signing books to thinking of it all in the past. Work is busy. The children are starting online school in less than a week. Our routine is predictable most days.
I wake early, have kaapi with Amma, walk for half an hour and, log in to work. The evenings are similar too. I wrap up work, walk with kids outside and call it a day post dinner.
I have not been able to read a book. I have not been able to write anything of consequence. I have a few books I really want to read but I am exhausted by the time the day is over. I have been prioritizing sleep over everything else. Stress is a constant most days. I feel this tightness behind my ears. My right eye twitches non stop.
I worry about our health. I worry about what a year of online schooling will mean for my children. I worry about what if this thing lasts past this school year. I worry about the fallout from COVID on our economy. I worry about the systematic dismantling of all the things I love about this country. I worry about the election and beyond.
The worry eats at me. It is like background noise, dimming at times but so loud that it consumes me. I think of all the things I want to write about and the thoughts just hover in my head never finding its way to a physical state.
There are days when I am so tired of being in a constant state of fear that I want to say **** it all and let us go back to where we were and let the chips fall where they do. Then I remember the insane anxiety of the few weeks when Amma had COVID and I tamp my recklessness.
All this to say, I have been wanting to write but I have been sleeping instead. I hope you have all been well. Take care and I hope to someday be back with things that pour out of me like they once used to.