I have broken down every alternate day this week. Some days it’s been a full meltdown replete with ugly crying. Other days, it has been that heavy feeling in the head, with the tears hovering right inside my eyelids, threatening to fall. Today, the emotions are of a different kind.

I received the final versions of the book cover and the actual book. For something I have been seeing almost daily over the past few weeks, it represents a culmination, the endpoint to a long process. I did beautifully. I filed it away.

Then, the cover came. This time in addition to my name, there was the back-cover blurb. There were words along the spine. I lingered and filed it away.

Then, on impulse, I asked my friends if anyone had a color printer. My neighbor did. She printed one sheet of paper for me. One glorious sheet with colors and fonts and beautiful words on it. I found a small book, I wrapped that book like I would wrap my school notebooks. I held it near, I held it afar. I admired it from all angles. I showed it off to my children. I preened in front of Saathi, posing.

The tears lurked somewhere inside.

It is when I lay it on its side and saw my name on the spine that it hit me.

For years, I have visualized a book with my name on the spine. Today I saw it in my home, in front of me.

To say I have been emotional is an understatement. I haven’t cried yet. I know I will. It’s been building up all day, these happy tears, the reward of seeing months of work in something tangible.

I wish I could share it with you all today. That will happen in a few weeks when I am a lot more composed and not ugly crying.

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