Laddu runs into the study as I sit, brows furrowed looking at my incomplete book proposal wondering what on earth am I signing up for. She holds out her old Halloween costume, a faded Olaf.
“Amma, akkas are playing dress up. How could I dress up?”
I am tempted to correct her but I smile at the reprieve from writing and help her into what is now a little too snug outfit. She runs off, adjusting her mask, calling out to Elsa who floats down in a gauzy blue dress. Batwoman follows right behind with a tight-fitting black faux leather jacket skimming her thighs and no pants. I am tempted to argue, to get her to pull pants on but turn instead to the blinking cursor after nodding my approval.
It is officially summer. All children have been home for about two weeks now. Most days the cries of “Akka is being mean” or “Laddu is annoying” or “What do we do now?” fill the air. Almost all the time I reply with my standard “not my problem” and turn to my phone or laptop.
Since the intense experience at Yale, I have been in a vacuum. There is so much I want to process and work on but life keeps getting in the way. I have been picking at the proposal, editing parts of it spread through the day. Some days I feel like I just want to put it away and never look at it again. Some days, the energy carries me through and I write in inspired bursts.
The bigger question of “Why I am doing this?” and sometimes “Should I be doing this?” haunts me. I don’t have a proper answer. I have one essay I workshopped at Yale out on submission. I keep refreshing my email for the rejection that is bound to come and feeling miffed at being ignored.
This promises to be a long summer. One filled with lots of longing and waiting for things to happen. Things I have no control over.
How is your summer going?