Summer Of Impatience

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Laddu runs into the study as I sit, brows furrowed looking at my incomplete book proposal wondering what on earth am I signing up for. She holds out her old Halloween costume, a faded Olaf.

“Amma, akkas are playing dress up. How could I dress up?”

I am tempted to correct her but I smile at the reprieve from writing and help her into what is now a little too snug outfit. She runs off, adjusting her mask, calling out to Elsa who floats down in a gauzy blue dress. Batwoman follows right behind with a tight-fitting black faux leather jacket skimming her thighs and no pants. I am tempted to argue, to get her to pull pants on but turn instead to the blinking cursor after nodding my approval.

It is officially summer. All children have been home for about two weeks now. Most days the cries of “Akka is being mean” or “Laddu is annoying” or “What do we do now?” fill the air. Almost all the time I reply with my standard “not my problem” and turn to my phone or laptop.

Since the intense experience at Yale, I have been in a vacuum. There is so much I want to process and work on but life keeps getting in the way. I have been picking at the proposal, editing parts of it spread through the day. Some days I feel like I just want to put it away and never look at it again. Some days, the energy carries me through and I write in inspired bursts.

The bigger question of “Why I am doing this?” and sometimes “Should I be doing this?” haunts me. I don’t have a proper answer. I have one essay I workshopped at Yale out on submission. I keep refreshing my email for the rejection that is bound to come and feeling miffed at being ignored.

This promises to be a long summer. One filled with lots of longing and waiting for things to happen. Things I have no control over.

How is your summer going?

5 comments

  1. Can’t be easy, I know. One thing that worked for me was only checking mail at set times of the day when I launched my business. Took a while but now it’s part of my routine. Helps to keep anxiety at bay. And now I’m pleased if I see an email about a potential client. Still not the best thing but better than the stress 🙂

  2. Life coming in the way happens to me all the time. In my head, all I want is some uninterrupted time to get all the things that are occupying my mind space done but in reality, when I do get the time, my mind is all scattered. No cure to mind having a mind of its own.

    The word “reinventing” has been playing in my mind. I think that’s what I am working on or mentally working on.

    The answer to the big questions will come in due course, but do what you are doing anyway because that’s important – what you do everyday adds up and could result in something monumental. Consistency in efforts is important.

    • I have been forcing myself to write even when it is less than impulse. This post is reflective of today’s mood. I hope tomorrow will be different. 🙂

  3. I am pretty much up to the same – with the kid aspect anyway. Fighting to maintain sanity. “Boredom is a gift” is part of my go to motto for them for this summer 🙂

    I am writing way, WAY less than you but I am trying to once a week when I escape to the coffeeshop 🙂

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