Of Struggling With Labels
“I don’t like my fake name” muttered Ammu, my first daughter.
I was bent over the stove tossing rice noodles in a base of lemon and sesame oil. The heady aroma of tempered mustard and curry leaves almost made me miss the statement. A part of me always attuned to disturbances in the air peaked and I half turned, paying attention to what was being said. I half expected them to be talking of their dolls or the pseudonyms they give themselves when they play with each other.
“Don’t say that!” admonished Pattu, Ammu’s twin.
“I don’t like my fake name” repeated Ammu stressing each word, pausing for effect and then bending over her milk and taking a sip.
“Ammu, what is a fake name?” I asked and waited while she stared into her milk refusing to meet my eyes. Lifting her chin up, I stared into the warm brown eyes that were starting to mist.
“I want my real name back” she said and tried to look down.
“Do you not like your first name? I can call you by your middle name if that is what you want Ammu but I want you to tell me why you feel your name is fake?”
“I want my real name back” she repeated. I hugged her an extra minute and was about to walk back to packing lunches when Pattu chimed in.
“I always tell new people I meet my middle name. You know, so they won’t be unhappy.”
I stopped in my tracks knowing I had to sit down with them.
“Why kannamma? Why does making them happy mean so much to you? Are you unhappy with your name too?”
She looked at me, eyes direct and voice clear. “No Amma, I like my name but I think it is easier for others if I told them my middle name.”
We stood in the middle of the kitchen, my arms around both of them. I felt out of depth, unsure of what to say. Lifting each child in turn, I held her close to me as I repeated as much for them as for me.
“There is nothing fake about our names or lives kutty. You may not like your name and that is OK. If you ask me to call you by your middle names, I happily will. If you want to go by your middle names at school, that is OK as well. What I want you to know is that life is not fair. Not everybody has to deal with things like two names and two moms and two dads. Why don’t we look at the bright side and think about how you have two real names, two real moms who love you to pieces and two families that love you to the moon and back?”
I will never know if the two of them got the essence of what I was trying to tell. I let each child go, ruffling their hair, drawing them for another hug and cuddle and kissing them on their cheeks. They ran off already talking about Captain Underpants and Super Diaper Babies.
I stood my back to the rest of the world, my eyes clouding over, hurting for them, hurting for us. Laddu strained in her high chair screaming to get down. I finished packing lunches, scooped her up and it hit me. There is no undoing what has happened. Ammu and Pattu will never have the uncomplicated life that Laddu has. The confidence and peace that comes from knowing that she belongs wholly and completely to us. They will move through life struggling to reconcile their identities and families. Even in the best of circumstances when both families love them with every ounce of our beings, they will feel torn, they will feel compelled to explain their existence.
Real, Fake, First, Original, Birth, Natural. The labels are multitudinous. None of them can capture what they are to us, what we are to them. The only labels worth applying are mom and dad. Simply mom when talking about me and their mother. Simply dad when talking of their father and their dad. Just family whether the ones they are being raised in or were born into.
The days are long and the years are short. I hope by the time they are adults and into their world building their own families they understand that sometimes love does conquer all.
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Laksh View All →
This must be hard on so many levels, Laksh. I just want you to know I am holding you in my heart the way you must be holding them in yours and in your arms every single day. The challenges may mount but I strongly believe in the power of your love for them and theirs for you. Trust in that, always.
Thanks da. Feeling pretty heavy today.
Hugs to you from another mother. I can feel your ache….
Thank you. Much needed.
Awww.. You are truly a Rockstar mommy.. Hugss
Awww.. Do they not like their Indian names? It is hard Laksh, and I am amazed at how you are handling it. It is true their lives will not be simple but they will appreciate you and your love for sure. They will have a unique story because of who they are.
True. But also true that they will be in their forties before they can appreciate it. 😃
As hard it is, the important thing is you are having these difficult but critical conversations Laksh. They will go a long way in shaping their thinking in the short term and in helping them traverse their journey in the long term Laksh. You cannot take the pain away but you are giving them invaluable coping mechanisms (your unconditional love, undivided attention, and perspectives). Hugs to you and the kutties. Life is not a level playing field. All we can do is help our kids become strong and tough players.
True Maha. It doesn’t take away the fact that feeling of always having to defend your identity. Feeling conflicted today.
This is heartbreaking. As years go by we all try to uncomplicate life. Tough as it may seem hope peace finds them.
I sure hope so too.
when you are a child you want to all the lives to be the same, during teenage you want to be as different from others as you can be and by your 20s you simply dont care – atleast that is what it was for me.
I do have to say – everytime I read about your open adoption, I am at loss of words. It is the right thing to do but it would definitely make parenting even more complicated – shows your incredible strength.
It is. But I know it is the right thing to do. Hoping I get used to it over time.
Hugs da! They will understand and appreciate that they are showered with love. May be not now but you know they will :). I admire your immense patience ! You are one of the super moms I know and hold close to heart 😊
On that note, I have A who wants to drop his last name & take mine or even something else. Just not the name he has!!
I can understand why A feels that way. Maybe he can consider that when he turns 18.
Yeah! He can decide if he still wants to then 😊
Oh Laksh, I feel you my dear, and I feel your girls too. The sense of identity, the sense of belonging..not the fluidity of it but the surety of it is a big deal and perhaps an awareness that will develop gradually as they get older.
You are doing so good in how you don’t dismiss their concern or belittle them for it. Instead you give them the space to express themselves and you respect their feelings even as you are struggling with your own in the moment. That takes a lot of courage and love. Not that you need me to say this but you are doing really as perfectly as you possibly can by them and they will grow up eventually understanding and appreciating that. Hugs.
Thank you! Some days are harder than others.
The fact that they are able to express themselves is all that matters. You always will have an answer for them, sometimes wrong, but most of the time right. You are an amazing mom, no doubt about that.
Thanks! Still pretty out of my depth most times.
This is the most real piece I have read in a long time. Your family, your real family of 5 is my favorite in the virtual world. The challenges and the labels are real but what’s more real is your love and nothing is more important than that. Hugs, Laksh.
Thank you so much Parul!