Taking Pause

bucketlist

Close on the heels of my last post, I decided to spend the next couple of days training a microscope on our daily lives and how it is impacted by me staying home. If I dismissed what I did earlier as routine, I now accounted for each moment since I woke. In between the waking, cooking, cleaning, nurturing, healing and disciplining, I noticed the one thing that was constant. A new found appreciation for all that I did. So long as I was aware of what I was doing, I found it in me to appreciate the immensity of it all. Where I was dismissive before, I found a strange kind of awe.

Taking a step back and being observant taught me that there is more to this stay at home parent thing than I was taking credit for. I tried imagining doing everything I was doing and adding to it the pressures of handling a job and being good at it and I winced mentally. It reminded me of how just a couple of years ago, I walked around with a constant tight band behind my ears, a stiffness in my neck no spray could cure and an overwhelming exhaustion that had little to do with my physical state.

I figure I need to just be. To lay fallow before the next crop cycle (as a fellow blogger said). I need to see this phase through and know that I am ready for whatever else the restlessness in me is propelling to. In the time it takes me to get there, I shall take recourse to words. I will create visible memory markers for when my brain will fail me. I will trap my children’s lives in virtual amber. I will leave a trail for me to head back should I feel lost. I will write like my life depends on it. And perhaps it will.

8 comments

  1. I absolutely love this post, and agree whole-heartedly. I took a precious break, and noticed how I was more present in my surroundings, how I could savor every moment with the children, how slowly but surely the children opened up in their communications to me, how they smiled when we did things without charging from one task to the next on roller skates.

    But the itch got me in the end, and I went back to working. I enjoy aspects of that too, but life is back to being hurried. I don’t get to savor the moments as much anymore.

    Keep writing – it helps so many readers to dip into a good piece of writing every now and then.

    • I guess a big part of the conundrum is the need to work on something meaningful. Banking and services seem so soul-less. Teaching doesn’t pay. Struggling to do something that appeals to me, is flexible and makes me feel like my time there is valued. Tough luck finding something like that.

      • Oh I completely get what you just wrote about meaningful work. It is something that I struggle with almost everyday. I would love to try teaching too. There is a profession that is really not getting its monetary due! My parents are both retired teachers, and though the retired lens can be rosy, I still believe they had largely satisfying careers. Please let me know if you do hit upon a career choice that satisfies all of the above, and inspire folks like me

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