It is past the kids’ bedtime. I walk down after settling Laddu in her bed, tucking her in and blowing air kisses on my way out. Saathi is sprawled on the recliner, his eyes glazed over as he ponders the next move on his Chess app. I rummage around the snack cupboard grabbing a snack pack of gummies from the kid’s stash. Armed with a bottle of water, I lock myself up in the study and power on my laptop.
An hour later, I am still working up courage to open Scrivener and deal with the ghost of the manuscript I am supposed to be working on. I figure I will get to it when I am ready. I browse freelance websites looking for work. I am not quite sure what I can offer. I stumble on writing internships based out of LA or NYC. I look at the application requirements and go to work on it on impulse. I am halfway through the Statement of Intent when it hits me that I will never make the cut and even if I did, how on earth am I supposed to relocate for a few months. I delete the three pages of words that represent shiny dreams and feel a funk come over me. I change tacks and look at submission requirements for publications that interest me. I read sample pieces and sigh.
This is not going to work I tell myself.
It is close to midnight and I am not ready to sleep yet. The restlessness that afflicts me every few years has gotten a hold of me. I pull up my LinkedIn profile and make a few edits. The jobs tab displays positions I should be interested in. One or two seem interesting. I look up the workplace and realize I am unwilling to commute. I close the tab in a huff and shut down the machine.
Laddu has been in daycare for a couple of weeks now freeing up my mornings. I thought I would have attacked my manuscript ravenously, as one starved of time should have. I am in a rut of sorts, rudderless in many ways. I have no idea of where I am headed, only clarity on where I do not want to be.
Give yourself time, the rational voice in my head whispers. I listen and head upstairs to bed. It is much longer before sleep claims me. The itch has taken hold and I wonder where my restless feet will be headed next.