I was never the same again

The mountains shimmered in the evening sun. They looked gray, forsaken, eerily beautiful. The roads stretched like ribbons weaving in and out of the mountain town. Desolate. My eyes were vacant. My mind numb. I looked into the barrenness of the horizon and saw myself. There was no pain. Just emptiness.

A good part of the year had gone into vicariously living the life of a pregnant woman. One who would give birth to a child I would raise. I was incredulous when I learned we were matched. I was cautious as I invested my time and energy into this phantom person. I leapt for joy when I heard from the social worker that she was real and indeed pregnant and very much aware of what she was getting into.

The embers of hope that lay dying down grasped at new life. They crept up slowly, feeding itself. Small flames licking at each other growing into a roaring flame by the time it was mid december. I dared to believe, to imagine that I would hear baby sounds in my home. The closet in the baby room boasted a few carefully selected pieces, tags intact. All neutral colors. The bags were packed. Documents checked and rechecked.

My world came crashing down as I read the text on my phone. After 8 hours of flying, an hour of driving, six months of hoping, planning and getting ready to be a mom.

“She changed her mind”

I lay that night on a pillow soaked with tears. Spent. I was in physical pain. The kind brought on by sorrow that transcends tears. A part of me died that day. The part that pulled me up when I was down. The part that saw the glass as half full. The part that believed tomorrow was a new day.

The flame of hope that raged within was quelled. Felled by four words. Ice clawed at the edges of my chest. Freezing any feeling within. I felt raw and exposed. New Year dawned for the first time in my life without any pretensions. Of hope. Of newness. Of change.

I was never the same again.

This is my entry to day fifteen of Writing 101 at The Daily Post.




Author. Parent.

12 thoughts on “I was never the same again

    1. Thank you. It was difficult writing about it without getting too personal or going into specifics. It truly changed me. I could never feel happy about anything without fearing for the worst to happen.

    1. Thank you for stopping by. I guess it helps because it is in the past. Time and distance does give perspective.

  1. You broke my heart. I am so sorry. I’m glad your ‘commons’ post let me know what I was in for or I would be that crazy lady crying in the doctor’s office. It was so well written. I could feel how intense your pain was. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Lisa, thank you. This is firmly in the past so am able to revisit it objectively. I know I use my voice effectively when I write about things passionately so decided to write this.

  2. I am so sorry about your story. The loss of a dream is incredibly hurtful. I was there, lost my son. I still have an image of him holding our hands, as a family. That dream was broken. I hesitate to any more risk in life now. I hope you will find your way and share in your blog.

  3. Very well written Laksh. I’m truly sorry that you had to go through this heart breaking experience, which makes me wonder why God puts us in such a position. “I could never feel happy about anything without fearing for the worst to happen”. I have felt like that a couple of times too.

  4. I am glad for you that this is in the past and that you are able to write about it objectively. We had some closed doors along our adoption journey…doors that sent me into similar grief. During that time, I wrote this: http://nineyearpregnancy.wordpress.com/2012/08/25/heartsong-one-windows-to-the-soul/.

    Are you continuing to pursue adoption? At one point in our journey I had decided that we were not going to adopt. Not long after that, I met up with an old friend who knew we had tried to adopt in the past. She wanted to know if we were still interested in adoption. I told her that I had put that in the past and that I was afraid that it was like opening “Pandora’s box”. I was afraid of getting hurt. I wrote in my book Nine Year Pregnancy about what she said that convinced me to go ahead and try again. And I’m so glad we did!


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