It is 10:00 AM. Tonight is when I get admitted at the hospital. I sit in front of my laptop with a cup of warm barley water by my side. The to-do lists are scrolling through my head but all I feel is malaise. It is chilly inside the house. I pull my sweater closer. There is so much that needs attention. The kids closet. The laundry. The two bags in various stages of being packed. The playpen that needs a good dusting. The washed covers that need to go on. The bassinet that begs a swipe with a lint remover brush.
The house feels strangely empty. I have the next few hours to get organized. To soak my swollen feet in warm water. To cleanse myself before days of blood and bodily gore. Yet, I stay seated.
I am afraid to set the ball rolling. To initiate actions that would mean that I am kick starting the eventful next phase. I am having second thoughts. Are we really ready to have a baby? I am no longer sure the name I spent days picking out months ago is the One. I am wondering if my decision to go easy on baby purchases is a wise one now. I have no bottles sterilized and ready for when we are back home.
My mind wanders a bit and settles on the picture of my twins. Taken at two years old, they are sitting on mine and Saathi’s lap. They look so innocent and vulnerable. Am I really ready for them to take on the mantle of big sisters? I realize most of my anxiety stems from how and if they will be able to handle the transition. Images run rampant. The kids waking up in the middle of the night and crying because they cannot find Saathi or me. My amma feeling overwhelmed because she is unable to handle two hyperactive five-year olds. I imagine food spills all around and potty regression. Of a house coming apart because I am not there to control it. I feel overwhelmed.
I turn and focus my thoughts on the Tanjore painting of Lakshmi instead. I take deep breaths. I repeat to myself that all will be well.
All. Will. Be. Well.
The clock shows 10:15. I realize it is time to handle those mental to-do lists. To put those fears at bay and shift gears.
Ready or not, Baby is coming!