I woke up to an alert on my phone notifying me that I officially am in the third trimester today. Putting the phone down, I rested my palms on my tummy feeling tiny kicks. “I love you” I whispered before I swung my legs over to slide off the bed. As the day wore on, I realized how far I have come. I started the pregnancy with fear. The predominant emotions were anxiety and a sense of ill boding. As the weeks passed and I reluctantly accepted this is meant to be, I was filled with dread.
Somewhere between the first and second trimesters, a sense of hope mixed in. I would catch myself looking at baby stuff. I wrote mental to-do lists careful not to put them down where it would be tangible. For putting pen to paper would make it real. Too tangible to ignore. Then something flipped mentally. A sense of peace crept in. I was ready for what ever the outcome would be. I boldly ordered a few onesies. To me it was about conquering that fear. The box arrived one day and there it lay before me. White onesies, pink sleepers. Tiny enough to pass of for doll clothes. I touched them reverently. I hurriedly packed and put them away for fear of jinxing the happiness I felt at the moment.
As my belly swelled, I gave in. This is real I repeated to myself. In the hours before I slept, I chanted the only prayer I knew. Fingers curled around the curve, I exhorted the powers I knew to keep her safe. Each morning as I injected myself with insulin, I reminded myself that I was doing this not for me but for the life within. When I passed aisles of baked goods, I ruefully read the labels and put them back. Then I came home and made what I craved. From ingredients I knew would be easier on my already overloaded pancreatic system.
Each day and each week leading up to this day has been an exercise in keeping fears as bay. Today I will let go of the fear and embrace the joy I have wanted for so long. As I countdown to the final few weeks before baby comes, I will embrace this pregnancy and the joys that are associated with it. This is a promise I make to myself.