Each day I wake up and feel I am living a lie. I am convinced my periods will show up and I can go back to the world I am at home in. Mother to two wonderful girls. A blessed life. This is an aberration. As my mom fusses about and refuses to let me do the grunt work, I feel like a fraud. Sometimes I feel like I will wake up and realize it is all a dream.
I share the news of my pregnancy with a friend and am met with lukewarm response. Strangely it does not surprise me. It does sadden me. At a night out with girlfriends, I politely decline drinks but am wary of sharing anything. Family knows but every time somebody congratulates me, I am already thinking about the what ifs.
I am curiously bereft of joy. There are moments when I let my mind wander. I try to imagine life within me. I try and push my brain beyond the next appointment. Into visualizing all the things I had longed for a few years ago. I am unable to. My brain is frozen.
If pregnancy after infertility is different to deal with because you feel robbed of happiness, pregnancy after adoption does a different number on you. I feel celebrating this new life takes away from the two babies who are already mine. I convince myself everything will be alright but I am scared. I am unable to imagine what my future looks like.
Right now, every thing beyond a week looks hazy. And uncertain.