Battle clouds in my brain

With each passing day, the drive to and from home provides ample time for thought. I ruminate on the rushed early mornings, the harried late evenings, the feeling of being run down and the endless attention my kitchen demands. The MBA seems like an afterthought. Something I pay attention to when the deadline stares at me in the eye. Unblinking.

On one such ride home this past week, I started questioning the worth of what I was doing. If I took away the $$$ from the equation, I felt there was little else that would prompt me to wake at 5:00 AM each morning, rush through the motions of living and feel overwhelmed by the time I retired for the night.

I started picturing a day without the pressure of having to rush for work. I imagined getting up at 6:00 AM, cooking, probably humming to myself. Packing food, laying out clothes and getting kids ready for school. I imagined waving K and the kids off and settling for a round of coffee followed by the inane chores which are now relegated to the weekends like the laundry or sorting through the girls old clothes and toys. I imagine doing a grocery run or other odd errands or prepping for dinner. I see myself sitting back in the burgundy couch by the open window taking in the sun, reading a book and having lunch. I visualize getting ready to get the girls back home. The afternoon merges into the evening to the background of squealing happy  girls and a happy mom. A visit to the park, a relaxed dinner, an occasional movie and of course studies.

Then the alternate picture flashes through interrupting the idyll. Screaming children, a run down mom, a craving for some adult conversation and a break from the chores. A nagging feeling of having done something stupid. A wistful sense of longing when I look at other women who work. And a rather sombre financial future.

I waffle trying to reconcile the two scenes and feeling even more mutinous. Sigh! the battle rages on.

8 thoughts on “Battle clouds in my brain

  1. Or you can take breaks in between jobs. A few months sabbatical. I have done it before and i am doing it right now. Of course will not work in all situations but breaks do help a lot.
    And one thing i noticed is that, productivity at home is more if i work outside than on the times i am at home. It is relaxing and nothing more, household chores do not take up much time anyway. So mentally you must be ready for the ‘relaxing phase’ 🙂

  2. Very happy to see you back Laksh. Its very easy to say that we need to balance work and home. I agree with Deepa above that productivity at home is more when you work outside. Everything goes as per the plan. But occassionally working from home will give good results.
    Have a nice weekend !!!

  3. Same thoughts go through my mind, but I was a SAHM before and I was never happy. I am sane because I am working and I am a much better mommy.

  4. good to see you posting again Laksh. As the kutties get older it gets better ( read you will get used to it..hahha)
    God bless dear

  5. Just wrote a post about the cost of staying home. It’s about the same as the cost of going to work – the answer’s within. A SAHM life will include both these visions. The trick is to make sure that the first one is a lot more of an occurrence! 😀

  6. take a break if you want to. It will give you a very happy break.If you do go back after that you will go back for the right reasons.

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