That’s why I stand outside the door

Wiping Cee’s snotty nose, I glanced at the clock. 8:42 AM. Wanting to be out and on my way and torn with guilt at watching my poor mom bend painfully to feed the kutties, I gave up. Dropping my bag, I took the bottle of baby food and shoved huge spoonfuls into two unwilling mouths. Dropping the spoon into the sink and wiping drool filled lips, I finally made it out the door throwing backward glances all the way.

Hearing increasingly loud wails filter in through the monitor, I fight sleep. I push away the covers to see K in a fetal position trying to hold on to beauty sleep through the wails. In the dead of the night as I hold a fussy, sniffling baby, I realize what it means – that mommy guilt. As much as I would like to pretend all is well with the world, I can not. I will not. I rock the baby till my arms give out. I go to bed knowing I will be up in the wee hours of the morning. I can let the baby cry it out but I have trouble doing that.

It’s when all the small decisions become big. When I haggle for that 5$ off coupon but hardly blink an eye at the four figure monthly fee for daycare. It’s when I mull turning the car around and quitting work. It’s when I debate putting my MBA on hold indefinitely. It’s when I put my feet up at the end of the day but cannot relax because my mind is in overdrive planning the next meal, planning for the next contingency.

It’s when I stand outside the door waiting for Cee to fall back asleep, as her sobs quiet down, I realize this thing. The mommy guilt. It’s just started and will last my life long.

This is my entry to the “Mommy Guilt” contest over at Women’s Web.

Laksh

Author. Parent.

4 thoughts on “That’s why I stand outside the door

  1. I know exactly what you are feeling.
    I’m slowly getting there. About the daycare , me too I haven’t blinked an eye on the amount, just hoping they do a great job.
    I’m coping by taking the approach that I surrender to you Baba, I know ultimely you are in charge here.

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