Racing against time this morning as I sped to make it to my 8:00 AM meeting I was wrought with guilt. As I waited for the signal to turn green, I debated turning back and heading home. You see, I left home with two babies that needed a diaper change and as much as I knew K or my mom would eventually get it done, I was feeling so very guilty. Guilty for putting work ahead of their needs. Guilty for stepping out of the home even as two mottai kutties watched eyes wide as I slung my backpack and closed the door behind me.
I have heard about this infamous mommy guilt. I felt it today for the first time. I know I will survive and the girls will too. We will go on to have a laugh about it some day. But for the now, it feels heavy. The feeling of guilt and the questions in my heart. All these weeks I was home or the days I worked from home, I thrived on that false sense of being there. Being physically present even if I did not really do much.
Does feel like that rose-tinted view of motherhood is giving way to the harsh realities of actually being one. Rocking wailing babies in the night do not make for a happy mommy in the morning. The demands of a full-time job do clash with being a hands on mommy. In the end, I know I will make this work but just for today I feel guilty. So very guilty!