In a precious few hours, my amma will be here. Laden with goodies for Kay and Cee and my siblings and I, she will step off the car a shy smile changing her face into something that will be etched in memory. For years I have longed to welcome amma home as paati. This will be yet another of those moments so longed for that it will feel like deja vu.
It is silent all around me. Kids are napping, K is working from home. I have pongal ready on the stove. Toys are strewn around, the pile of laundry is humongous. I have a to-do longer than I care to admit. Yet, I feel no urgency to be up and about. To get things done. To go places.
Over the weekend, a colleague and friend from work came home. As he sat tracing a finger over Cee’s tiny arm, he asked “Do you miss going to work?”. “No” I answered promptly following it with a laugh to cover the anxiety I was feeling. It’s been a month. A month away from work. A month being closeted at home with two soon to be a year olds. A month of pure housekeeping, baby sitting and domestic bliss. I have hardly missed my old life. I haven’t felt the need to get out. To be at work doing something productive. To dust off the cobwebs and actually use my brain.
This morning the conversation replayed itself in my mind over and over again. There have been a lot of times when I have wondered if I was in the right profession. If I really enjoyed my work. When low moments hit, I would console myself saying if I stayed home, I would miss what I was doing sorely and then I will realize how much I enjoy working. I am still undecided. Perhaps it is the ‘honeymoon’ period. Perhaps I am enjoying this so much because I know I will have to get back to work next month. There are so many thoughts that swirl around my brain arguing one way and another.
I look at the clock knowing that my precious ‘me’ time is drawing to a close. The babbling sounds are only a few minutes away. I know I will have to put my laptop away to fix lunch for the babies and work on my to-do list, but for the next few minutes, I will relax, close my eyes and experience nothingness.