Remembering Appa

Late yesterday evening as the closing credits rolled on screen after the movie ended, I was a sobbing blubbery mess. The lines were fuzzy between the body on the funeral pyre on TV and the one of Appa in my mind. That one image was enough to send me back three years in time to this day. As I convulsed into grief of losing my father all over again, it hit me that no matter how much time passes and how well I acknowledge his passing away, there will be moments when I will be a little girl feeling lost without her daddy.

I washed my face and soon was my regular self but my mind kept playing back the events of that evening from 2006. All of us crowding around appa’s bed, holding his hand as the monitor showed his life ebbing away. In those final moments the three of us formed a stoic picture as we lost the one person who meant the world to us. Over the next couple of weeks, the many rituals we threw ourselves in helped insulate us from processing the feelings of grief and loss. As the years passed, we eased from the smarting hurt to a dull pain renewing itself every anniversary.

So today as I walked down the stairs after waking, I walked straight up to Appa and took a few moments to honor his memory. To pay my homage to my father, mentor and hero. And then I called Amma knowing her day would have been many times painful than mine. It is in moments like these that I realize the worth of intangible things over the material. The silent bonds of pain that tie us together. In taking this day to remember all that we lost, I tell myself to cherish all that I hold dear. To remind amma how much I love her. To reach out and touch K’s hand as we walk to our respective offices. To stop by my bro’s cube to see if he is in. To tell myself to call my sis on my way home.

To mark my life by the lives I have touched rather than counting the years I have lived.

13 comments

  1. Dear Lakshmi,
    Tears rolled down my cheeks as I started reading and they continued faster as I read your older posts.Memories of Giri mama,in his white pant and t shirt just back from cricket or going out to play,memories of Appa who’s fifth anniversary is approaching on Dec 1st.You write beautifully da.Proud of u.Keep smiling and live upto Giri mama’s ideals.I can understand yr pain as we feel the same thinking of Kumar,Sharadha or Appa.This dull ache…..

  2. A big hug Laksh, I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through right now. When ever I read your posts on your father I always feel that he must have been a great man, and to honour him perhaps you should try and celebrate his life by making a ritual of it and getting together with your family. Perhaps making the food he would love and doing the kind of things he loved and you all enjoyed doing with him. I would like to think that is what we will do in the future.

    May God rest his soul in peace and give you the strength to go forward.

  3. Lakshmi,I feel like writing something soothing,but the fact is I donot have proper words to express myself.
    Let God be with you always.

  4. A touching post. May you all find peace and solace so when you remember him, you think of all the good times you had with him. He must have been a remarkable person !

  5. these days you are very philosophical in your blogs. reflects your mind. hope you do well.
    on a lighter note, consider writing a blog on how it is to work in the same office as your husband and brother (at least i get that impression from this blog). it is quite rare, if you think abt it.

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