Twin emotions

Every year as this day rolls around, I am caught with conflicting emotions. I want to celebrate the day my dad was born. I imagine him bringing untold joy to his parents by his very birth. I imagine that being the first born son he would also have been a very welcome addition to the family. (Even as I say that, I am shaking my head at how wrong it sounds!).

I remember sometime in high school is when I started taking note of birthdays and the whole celebratory vibe that brings. For the longest time it was just payasam at home and an archanai in the temple to mark Appa’s birthday. As I grew older I remember going with Amma to get new clothes for Appa. I also remember how painfully shy Appa was with receiving compliments and wishes. Always had a big smile on his face stretching from ear to ear.

These days, I also feel pain. I am sad that he is no longer alive. The day comes and goes with no Appa to address it to. In my mind, I wish him. I also wish he had stayed with us longer. Happy Birthday Appa!

It also happens to be my FIL’s birthday. With every passing year, I look forward to wishing him affectionately before anybody else in the family can. I look back on the year it has been and all the little things he does stands out. Like every weekend when he is done talking to K he calls for me. Without fail. My achievements mean as much to him as it would have with my Appa. Only my FIL is more vocal about it. His joy exudes over the phone. I am smiling long after I have hung up the phone. I resented that he insisted that I call him “Appa” as I did my Appa. Over the years, our relationship has matured and I am in many ways glad of the father figure in my life.

So, dear Appa, wish you a very, very Happy Birthday!!!

6 comments

  1. unusual coincidence that your dad and fil share the same birthday.

    Laksh, I am always at a loss of words on the posts on your dad. All I can say is, with all that I know of in the short time that I have been reading your blog, I am sure your dad will be extremely proud of you.

  2. Happy Birthday to Appa!! 🙂 It is hard but I think remembering him and celebrating in a way is special and you feel good about it. It’s celebrating his life rather than getting morose about the loss. He still lives if you want him to.

  3. I echo Sachita’s comment, you are doing a wonderful job, and he is looking at you and smiling. Keep him in your thoughts and you will always have a warm feeling. Having said all of that I cannot imagine how life will be after my parents are not around.

  4. Happy Birthday to both the fathers. May God bless them. Like others said, from what I know of your dad from your blogs and what I know of you, your Appa is very very proud of you and he is smiling from heavens reading this blog. It is a blessing to have a FIL who equally cherish and celebrate you and your life. hugs!

  5. Laksh… After reading this article I was speachless for sometime. Probably, we are all living in our own worlds that we hardly know what’s happening with other friends of ours. I became very emotional reading this article. With a daughter like, I am sure all your family members are happy. Take care and keep that smile on… !!

  6. @Sachita: Yes unusual but it made me feel connected to both men. I hope my dad is reading all this too. 🙂
    @SSQuo: True. Sometimes, the need to feel his physical presence is what makes me cry.
    @Kiran: One can never be prepared for a loss of that magnitude is what I learnt and that is irrespective of our age.
    @Shy: Thank you!It sure is. Time does wonderful things.
    @Saras: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. It means much. Smiling. 🙂

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