Linked by loss

Plate in hand with pure white curd rice, I hesitated a moment between the curried vegetable and tomato thokku and helped myself to a generous helping of the pickle. As I ate taking care to keep the white of the curd rice unsullied by color, I was reminded of my Appa. “He used to love thokku..” I thought. He did. Then I felt guilt for thinking of him in the past tense. 

Closer to the time my Appa left us, I could not bring myself to think of him in the past tense. I would consciously talk about him as if he were away in India. I refused to believe he is no longer with us. As time passed, I slowly slipped sometimes referring to him in a mix of past and present. Of late, it seems almost irrevocable. He firmly belongs to a place that is beyond reach. This week I have been assailed by memories at odd times. Like in class or at work. 

I look at his picture in front of me and my eyes mist. Like they always do. I feel guilty for not thinking of him more often. I am scared I will lose him if I don’t make the effort to keep him anchored in my thoughts. I think of all the people I know who has lost someone dear and for one moment feel linked to them. 

In the pain of their loss. 

Mom to three. Open adoption advocate. Writer.

10 Comment on “Linked by loss

Leave a Reply to Vijay Ganesh Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: