Linked by loss

Plate in hand with pure white curd rice, I hesitated a moment between the curried vegetable and tomato thokku and helped myself to a generous helping of the pickle. As I ate taking care to keep the white of the curd rice unsullied by color, I was reminded of my Appa. “He used to love thokku..” I thought. He did. Then I felt guilt for thinking of him in the past tense. 

Closer to the time my Appa left us, I could not bring myself to think of him in the past tense. I would consciously talk about him as if he were away in India. I refused to believe he is no longer with us. As time passed, I slowly slipped sometimes referring to him in a mix of past and present. Of late, it seems almost irrevocable. He firmly belongs to a place that is beyond reach. This week I have been assailed by memories at odd times. Like in class or at work. 

I look at his picture in front of me and my eyes mist. Like they always do. I feel guilty for not thinking of him more often. I am scared I will lose him if I don’t make the effort to keep him anchored in my thoughts. I think of all the people I know who has lost someone dear and for one moment feel linked to them. 

In the pain of their loss. 

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10 thoughts on “Linked by loss

  1. Although I have not experienced a loss of the magnitude you describe, I can related to how you want to cling on to thoughts on your dad. That’s how I feel about certain memories. I am scared that those fond memories would fade, if I don’t make an effort to recall them. And I so don’t want them to fade.

  2. I know exactly how you’re feeling Laksh – I too could never refer to my father in the past tense for a long time. And strangely enough, I’ve been thinking too of my dad too – especially in the last couple of days. I have been wanting to blog about what I went through at that time when he passed away – the “signs” from above, the signs I didn’t understand. I’ll write about it soon.
    Lots of hugs coming your way from here in Boise.
    P.S. I’ve been listening to the beautiful “Shraddha” by Ashit Desai and making myself feel even worse!

  3. Fear of losing always remains. My loss is not the same as yours but I was very close to Tinku and when i heard the news, it was like the worst nightmare. I have written a song for him and i always keep it in my wallet. That piece of paper ensures he is still with me.

  4. Time & Tide waits for None..Matha & Pitha are always adorable and respected..I can literally imagine how you are feeling sad ….All you can do, is to follow his ideals and take care of whatever he has left behind, as if he himself would have…..

  5. “I feel guilty for not thinking of him more often” – it is little natural of not thinking, that doesnot mean ignoring as fond memories keeps coming back in every little thing we do, every little talk we give, in every expression we give !

  6. @Suman: I know exactly what you mean.
    @Shy: I hope so too, that doesn’t make the fear any less real though 😦
    @Bavani: Waiting to read your post. BTW it was your FB status that triggered it all.
    @Shalu: I can relate. BTW I have some pics of Tinku. Will give them to you next time we meet.
    @ekr: Thank you. Got your email as well. I understand what you mean. Will write back.
    @anamika: Thank you
    @Mads: Hugs back. Waiting for you to post about your desh trip ma’am
    @Vijay: It is the length inbetween those memories and time taken to think that scares me.

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