In the middle of a conversation with my friend, this came up. “You were not like this before…” she stated. It was a simple declaration. She aught to know. After all, she is my best friend. I must have filed it at the back of my mind to process later because I did not know then that it affected me. I probably replied “May be..” to her and went on to change the conversation like I do when I am not sure of what I am feeling or what I want to say. To buy time. To think before responding to a simple statement like that.

Today morning as the water slid over me in the shower, it came back. Soaping myself furiously I thought “Did I change or did my views change?”. What’s the difference K asked when I put it before him. Aren’t you and your views the same? I thought a bit and explained. I stand for a core set of views that define who I am. These are things I’d like to keep unchanged. Like being fair for instance or being honest or being prudent. Then there are views that I hold. These define me too but it is OK for my views to change based on circumstance. Like being employed for instance. I routinely change my views on whether new moms should work or not. (Disclaimer: I am not arguing one way or another. I just tend to sway between two ends most of the time.)

The conversation in my mind and with K continued all through the drive to work. I am not sure why I was so scared of a changing me. Today as I took stock of why I reacted so much, I realized it was because of the battles in my head. When my best friend voiced my innermost fears, I did not know how to react.

However, as the sun shone overhead, I realized my fears were baseless. I was still the same. I did things because I felt convinced they were for the best. Most of all I realized, I still got what I wanted. If I wanted something badly, I got it. One way or another.

Mom to three. Open adoption advocate. Writer.

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