Laying out all the new clothes I had bought over the weekend, my eyes caught on the summery embroidered top that was unlike any other I owned or ever wore. I dress conservatively and this one was on the other side of the border. Reserved for occasions when I might feel a little daring. On an impulse I paired with a capri pant and got ready. Walking down to the kitchen, I spied K busy with the sink. I stood beside him and asked like I usually do “Eppadi irruku?” (How does it look?). His eyes lit up even before he said a word. I had my answer. I fussed around asking if it was appropriate for work. If it looked good. A hundred different ifs. I was waiting for anything to make me go change. He weakly offered “Its raining today. May be you want to wait for a sunny day.” By then my mind was made up. Pirouetting on my way out I felt light and good. The way summer is supposed to make you feel.
Reaching work I slid into my seat. I could hear my colleagues in the adjacent cube talking something about work. I was tempted to join them. To show off. But I stayed put. A while later, as I interacted with them I could see the way their eyes took in the different me. It was appreciative. After small talk on where I got it etc. I ran into another new friend at work and she went “Oh! that looks real good!”. I was over the moon.
With each of these persons however, I felt compelled to defend my choice of clothing. Even when they were not alluding to what I was thinking. I had to mention how this was a first for me. How I was not sure if it looked good on me.. so on and so forth. As much as I tell people I know not to bother about what others think and to do what they want to do. I was amazed at how much I wanted the people around me to approve. To reassure me it is alright. To defend my choices.
It does not matter whether I opt for something daring to wear. My mind is still stuck in reverse gear. So much so for growing up! 😦