Living my dream?

This post by Pioneer Woman caught my fancy considering I seem to perennially live my life in introspection and reliving the past. I couldn’t resist responding to her. When I wanted to leave a comment, I saw there were thousands before me and figured I’d make a post of it instead. So Ree, not sure if you will stumble on here despite your busy country life which by the way I find fascinating and I LOVE your blog.

Ten years back, 1998 to be precise I was living a life so vastly different from what I am now. I was eager to find love. To fall in and to be loved. All my dreams in that time were around the topic of love and marriage which ironically were not the same in the context in which I lived. I had a job. One I was proud of and knew I was where I wanted to be professionally. I would have loved to make more money but I was happy with the rich set of friends I had. Work was not taxing, I had no intentions of staying at that workplace forever. My dreams you see, were set higher. I saw myself eventually as a manager sitting in an air conditioned room with a mountain of emails to be responded to and minions who would stop by my officeย  to ask ‘permission’ for various things. I saw myself getting a higher education and eventually being married and having children. Perhaps because I knew deep down that some day those would happen without any effort from my side they did not figure at the top of my priority list. At least the kids part of it. Of course, I wanted to live in a far away exotic land (read USA) and forever imagined being sent on work to the US and eventually finding a job there. Wish I knew better then.

Fast forward ten years. In 2008 yes I am in the US of A. But under circumstances I had not dreamed of. I came here on a dependent visa. Struggled for years to find a job that was remotely similar to what I started out as. I did get a Masters but an online one. My once feverish ambition seems to have done a disappearing act. Instead what I am is a very contented wife. A person who wishes she would some day be a mom (biological or otherwise). Infertility is the biggest truth in my life now. However, I am surrounded by love, family and a job that is satisfying. I live in a rustic suburb and enjoy the greenery all around. I feel blessed. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything I had dreamed of then. In spite of all that is missing.

18 comments

  1. Wow Laksh. Well put.
    Its true we always dont dream of what we think will make us happy, we are highly biased by peers around us, and at that age, we fear to be different, pursue our own interests, it comes with age, to dare to be different, to dare to pursue our inner most desires.
    Now let me read Pioneer Woman’s post. :–)

  2. Laksh-

    One of your best posts ever, I can’t type up all that I am feeling right now, but, your post seemed so true, right from the heart and very realistic. I hope that under the current circumstances you will get all that you had dreamed of- starting with a baby and everything else.

  3. I totally agree with Mitr. One of your best posts – straight from the heart. I’m glad that you appreciate what you already have. You will make a wonderful mother. A child of yours – biological or otherwise – will truly be privileged. You really have so much love to give. I’m glad I found your blog.

  4. Truly amazing post and it really reflects what I was thinking. Guess we have come a long way in life (or is it that long…!!!) and still I feel that I am not where I wanted to be. Sometimes I chide this feeling as just another Mid-life crisis.

    I did marry someone whom I loved & still love and have lovely kids. But career I am not sure. Also lost along the way are my hobbies or talents if you say so. I don’t do serious quizzing anymore except that I watch lame ones like Jeopardy and ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’.

    Once again…I love all your posts and this was the most heartfelt. I look forward to your blog everyday. It is a good way to start my morning.

  5. Very touching post Laksh. You know what da? you are good at heart, you have a positive attitude, you do the right things and you have an amazing ability to take things in stride. Things will fall in place and you will get what your heart truly desires – I don’t have an iota of doubt about that. Wishing you with all that you wish for!

  6. Lovely post and the pic was wow. I am sure that 10 years from now you would write about the lovely kiddo in your life all the best dear one.

  7. Just by regularly reading your musings, I could easily that a kid definitely deserves a mother like you, rather should not miss mother like you:)
    As I went through the link you had pointed to what surprised me was the word content which I found pretty much in most of the comments. Most of them had also mentioned how their life had turned complete opposite of how they had envisioned:)

  8. Truly amazing Laksh…It sounded nonchalant. But I am sure it would have struck the right chord in many hearts. I felt like hugging you for I am unable to express in words what I really feel within.

  9. :)..it is true…there was a time where i was all worked-up about having a fantastic career..now all i want is a comfy job that does not make too many demands. I have been reading ur posts for a while on and off….and i have to say i love the way u put ur situations in such a simple but honest fashion. As many other bloggers have said before me…i hope ur dream of being a mom comes true really really soon….

  10. @All: Thank you for your wishes. Whether the baby part comes true or not, I think I will find peace and closure with my situation with time. And to me, that will be the best part.
    @SK: Absolutely. Am sure all of those people I worked with in 1998 must have similar stories to tell before and after. With age hopefully we tend to do what makes us happy rather than what makes us look good.
    @Mitr: Thank you! Glad it stuck a chord with you.
    @Bavani: Am glad you visit often too. Honestly, if not for the regular visitors and comments, I don’t think I will have the impetus to write this often and write like you put it “from the heart”.
    @Manchus: Thank you da. I was kind of expecting you to do a similar post with before and after reflections. Considering we had similar backgrounds and aspirations it is amazing how much we have mellowed. I read Arch Ravi’s piece and was nodding my head all the way to the end.
    @Arch: Loved your piece too. Could relate so much considering we share common memories.
    @Spillay: Would love to know what you think.
    @Suman: Thank you da. I must have read and re-read the comments to this post till my eyes welled over.
    @Mads: Thank you! I sure hope so. There must be one kid out there in this world ready to come to my home.
    @Sachita:I thought of that too. Most of the comments seemed genuine and contented which to me indicates the world is a really happy place ๐Ÿ™‚
    @Deepa: Hugs! back to you. Glad this piece reached out to so many and made them think of how far they have come too.
    @Madhuram: May be God will listen to your prayers since he seems to be deaf to mine? ;p
    @Rajitha: Thank you! Guess what, after reading all the comments I realize thats all I need to blog about. What I feel and exactly how I feel it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Laks!

    Did not check your blog yesterday and boy what a day to miss such a good post. This was the one most heartfelt and true post I have ever read. Having been with you all these past years and seen you go through the various struggles and see you deal with everything, my respect and admiration for you has only gone up.

    This post took me also back in time, to the time all of us had different dreams and aspirations. Some of them have come true, some not, but like you have so rightly said, I don’t think I would exchange my life today for anything that I had dreamed about then!

    Like I keep saying, keep the faith da. I am sure with time everything will work out just fine ๐Ÿ™‚

    Luv ya,
    Lakshmi

  12. Hi,
    Am an avid reader of your blog for the past few months- (am Apar’s friend) mostly visit your blog for a feeling of connection with my roots. However, your open and honest mention of your struggles with fertility have prompted me to write this- I know the feeling, I have been there for a few years, and I eventually happened to be able to have kids (one of the things that has turned an atheist like me into a semi-believer). I had come to the point where nothing had worked, and nothing might have either…. deep down, the reality with infertility is very painful and I know it. Just wanted to say, hang in there- it WILL happen when it is supposed to- biological or otherwise, and you will end up being much stronger for the experience. I wish you the very very best in this department, and hope that your wait is over sonner rather than later.
    B

  13. @Laks: Its nothing to do with faith or hope. All I was stating is that whether I like it or not. Whether it was my dream to be a mom ten years back or not, the simple reality is that that is all that is on my mind now. In some way my dream. anyways am glad you are happy with the way your life turned out ๐Ÿ™‚
    @B: I really do hope I end up stronger for the experience. Like the say if it does not kill you it will make you stronger. Thanks for the reassuring words.

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