This word has fascinated me many times. I heard it used by many people. I never quite got what it meant. Till yesterday. I had an epiphany. It feels good saying that.
I have to go back a bit to explain what I feel. Over the years there have been many things I have craved, coveted and even obsessed about. Stuff like finding a soulmate. (I actually was very into Richard Bach and his concept of soulmates at some point in my past.) Getting married. Pursuing a Masters. Finding a job. Finding a job I felt happy at. Putting down roots where I live now. The list is endless. Fairly recent to this list of pursuits is/was the pursuit of motherhood. I know I have referred to this in other posts. In a mostly sad way. In a sense of despair. In a sense of hope-less-ness.
Sometime over the evening yesterday I had about an hour of quiet time. The kind of twilight zone where thoughts are suspended. Where everything moves in slow motion inside you. I could in some sense see my life flash past me. The concept of life, love and every other feeling in between seemed crystallized for those few moments. I wondered as thousands before me have wondered. About the meaning of life. About the meaning of this life. About what after all this. No. I don’t think I was undergoing some kind of mid life crisis. It just was that kind of a solitude and the time of day.
I thought a lot about my tenacious way of clinging to things I want. In an obsessive compulsive way. Where I sometimes lose track of what I am pursuing in the heat of the pursuit. I wondered what it would be like to just accept. Acceptance. Just learning to be as is. Just carry on with life as is. Without actively expecting something to happen. Without expecting some future plan or action to bring me happiness or contentment. About consciously choosing to do nothing. To not expect anything to happen.
I just feel/felt free knowing I could choose to remain this way. By actively choosing this life over any alternate path my life could lead gives me some measure of control over my feelings. It feels great just knowing that.
May be it is an epiphany. May be this is something I will read a few days from now and wonder what the crap was I thinking. Whatever I eventually choose to do I hope this is the moment I will come back to and know I changed my life as I see it now.