I could hear the strumming of a guitar emanate from my bathroom. Groggy and disoriented I sat up not knowing how to react when it hit me it was the alarm from my new iPhone that was getting charged. Hastily I pulled back the covers and ran to snooze it. As I reached out it hit me again that I had committed myself to going to the gym with a friend early in the morning. She would be here in another 10 minutes. Cursing myself I overcame the strong desire to climb back in under the covers and pretend all of this never happened. Half way through my brushing ritual the phone went off again.
Put the phone on speaker and a clear voice came through. “I will be there in 10 minutes.” Mustering the best possible voice under the situation I said “I will be waiting at the door.”
The next ten minutes were probably the most productive ten minutes in my life. Squashed myself into my workout pants, dug up a pair of clean socks, hunted for my long forgotten yoga mat in between 4 years worth of storage material and found it!
Dusting it as I ran up the stairs to get my gym card, purse and bottle of water I realized I was cutting it close. Even as I struggled with my sneaker I could see the headlight of her car around the bend. Rushing down the stairs and locking the door behind me I stood triumphant as she slowed to a stop to let me in.
The next hour and half went past with my muscles squeaking in that deathly quiet, dimly lit room. I was scared that the person next to me would hear them. My friend had found a spot at the other end of the room and I could not even look at her for comfort. As we did the downward facing dog, I was worried if my pant was riding up or my top was sliding down. Even as the melodious voice of the instructor floated dreamily across the room, I felt as uncouth and alien as possible. “Exhale” she said and I was aware of a raspy breathing sound coming from my nose. I looked around and saw everyone gracefully filling their lungs in and letting it out. Over the next few poses, I battled mightily with my brain to stop being negative and give the whole thing a chance.
Someday I will fit in. I will wear those matching active wear pants, tank tops and jackets that go with them. I will be clutching a neat Eddie Bauer water bottle and a breakfast bar. My rolled up yoga mat will look as snazzy as every one else’s. Till then however I will struggle with myself. I will try and let the tension float away. I will breathe deeply, let my shoulders fall freely and tap my inner powers to come out a winner.