There is a certain something about being up early in the morning when all you can hear is silence. As I walked furiously on my treadmill, I could feel thoughts bubbling up to the surface of my brain till they burst open spilling their contents in a form I could recognize.
For whatever strange reason today my subconscious decided to torment me with memories of a long time back. Of sibling rivalry. The yearning to be the best. Strangely again I do not have memories of competing with my own siblings. All my references were tied to V my athai ponnu. We grew up together and being close in age it was just natural.
I wanted to be the first to get up, first to get my hair done, first to have my bath and generally beat her any which way I could. It was tough for you see, I adored her. She was better than me in all tangible ways. Pretty, vivacious, popular and everything a teenager would want to be. Growing up with her I saw myself as the shadow. Basking in her reflected light I became friends with her friends, did almost everything she did. Then one day I was done with school and had to get out into the real world.
For the first time I had nothing to compare to. Nothing to best. I let myself be and realized I was popular in my own way. I had friends for what I was. I might not have been popular in an adolescent sense but I had a variety of interests and a way with words. For probably the first time in my life I felt a self of self.
What has that to do with what I am writing now? Everything. Today I have that feeling of self again. A feeling of self esteem. A desire to think positive. Somehow I feel that is the key to making this year my year.