Time dulls the pain…

This day last year, the doctors officially let us know my dad was no more. In many ways it was confirmation of a fact we were mentally preparing for. For days after questions lingered. The pain was sharp at times, the tears fast and furious. Anger alternated with grief. A few months passed, my sister got engaged. Every event associated with it was punctuated by “If only appa were here…”

I was holding on to grief as a way to holding on to appa. The days I felt down grew farther apart. Appa was a constant reminder in pleasant ways. Each cup of coffee perfectly brewed would remind me of him. Each time I saw raw guava appa came to mind.  Any time anyone said “Bless you” I would be reminded of appa holding his hand near his face and saying “Bless you” with a smile on his face.

I longed to see appa in my dreams. Something to reassure me he was there at some level. On some plane not accessible to me. That never happened but I see him when I see my chitapa. Similar facial features. I see him when my brother swirls his coffee before he sips it. I see him in Sruthi. I see him in my mom’s eyes. People around me remind me of Appa more than I could ever dream of.

This past week when my sister looked breathtakingly beautiful in her kurai podavai I ached for appa to look at her and feel proud of everything that was happening. The memories were there but in all that sadness there was plenty to be thankful and happy for.

Today is one year since appa left us. I am learning to understand the healing powers of time. He will never come back but his memories sure will live on.

Appa, you were loved more than you could ever know. I want you to know you did your children proud.

10 comments

  1. Laks,

    I just logged on to see if you have been blogging even from India. See that you have..

    I just wanted to say that it saddened me to read this and realise that it has been a year since mama passed away.

    Laks.

  2. Laksh,

    Nice post..
    Very true.. if u love some, you will see them everywhere and in everything.. Nalla Yezhuthi irukeenga..

    Y always daughter is father’s fav and Son is Mom’s fav? I laugh, pester, pull, shout, crib, cry… do all imsai with amma but not with appa…
    btw if u like hearing slow country englibish music hear these
    http://www.esnips.com/doc/ca91996c-d01c-4441-a1d9-922995a9ccbc/I-Loved-Her-First
    http://www.esnips.com/doc/ba10e654-1b58-4057-a95b-8bc7fe0241ff/Kenny-Rogers–Through-The-Years

    Enjoy

  3. You do him proud Laksh! It must be painful to be back where memories rush in without permission, but that’s the only way to heal. I am glad you are healing…and time will do the rest. Lovely to hear that the wedding went well, look forward to more news. Thanks.

  4. @UL: It sure is a strong experience being back in the home and place I lost my dad a year back. Feeling very mixed emotions. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I did feel the pull of my earth in Chennai. More in person

    @Balu: Very true. I was my dad’s chellam. At least I thought so. Will listen to the links you refer. I am a fan of country music.

    @Laks: Yes it has been sad but in a curious way closure to the grief.

  5. Lakshmi,

    Could not control my flow of tears. Very well written piece that overflows with love, true love and affection.

    My daughter Sujatha sent me this link.

    Of course Time is a great healer.

    My blessings to you for a great future.

    — One more Appa

  6. @Suja’s Dad: Thank you for stopping by. Your words mean a lot. I hope my dad in some way will know he was loved so much. Hope to meet you when you visit Malvern

  7. Lakshmi,

    what a name to be blessed with….wealth… i can definitely see the wealth of affection, the wealth of memories (at least you have some), and the wealth of touching expressions with which you dress your thoughts….

    enjoyed the read….i see you’ve done well for yourself after leaving b’lore.

  8. Hey Lakshmi,
    I am finally trying to catch up on your blogs. I really love the way you have written this one. Very touching.

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