Fear of letting go

No. Not another post about relationships. Today Saathi, his dad and I were at my brother’s community visiting friends to see their Golu and receive thamboolam. After the cursory visits we all went to their community hall where a huge group of desis were practicing for their Diwali program in November. Since the actual function had a restricted invitee list we were invited to this sneak preview.

As we stood at the back of the room and watched the kids mimic dance movements, it was like being transported back in time to high school and college when we would practice for school annual day or culturals. The blaring music, the laughter rising about the din, friendly and smiling faces and some people dancing with abandon while others like me stood on the sidelines watching.

Today as I watched each couple do their bit to catchy numbers from old and new hindi songs, I could see my spirit dancing with them. My body itched to move and shake to the music but I felt frozen. Even at the end when the whole group was just having fun and shaking a leg I felt archaic watching. What I would have given to let go of my fear and join them… My father in law encouraged me to go and join, everyone I looked at seemed to be beckoning me to join them. I cursed myself for not being courageous enough to do that.

In the privacy of my home when there is no one watching but Saathi, I have been able to dance, to let my mind and body bend to the tune, to let go…

I tell myself next time I will muster the courage and give in to the music. Always the next time..

One thought on “Fear of letting go

  1. I am supposedly a dancer…I still don’t have that gay abandon nature to let go and dance!! πŸ™‚ I sometimes just keep foot-tapping to the rhythm. I danced once like that when a friend of mine pulled me in and forced me to…once I got going…we both were dancing in tandem. She is a dancer too…just like that, we were in sync with our steps…can never forget that day! Thanks to her actually, else I would have been in the sidelines enjoying others dance, keeping rhythm πŸ˜€

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