Giving up. Yes exactly that.

I spent the year 2005 living like my life was underwater. As anyone battling with infertility can attest, it sucks the energy and enthusiasm that a person has for life.

Married, a couple of years passed without thinking of starting a family. Like countless others I never realized I could have a problem becoming a mother. Another year later I hesitantly sought medical help in trying to conceive. What should have been a happy journey to motherhood turned into many doctor visits, medications and heartbreaks as each period came.

As months rolled into years, I dreaded hearing a close friend tell me that they were expecting. Avoided going to family get-togethers so I would not have to face well intentioned questions on why I had not yet started a family. Emotions ran high and I was walking around like an emotionally depleted dry well.

My husband could not understand why having a child was so important to me. It hurt me that I had to explain my tears. Over time he learnt to hug me without a word when I felt numb and raw.

One Valentine’s Day, I heard from my nurse that my second IVF had failed too. It was in a way the moment of my deliverance. I felt sad and the tears came. Also came with it an understanding that may be I was a victim of my own expectations. I tried to listen to a tiny voice of reason welling within me. May be it was time to let go of the weight of my hopes. By letting go I would find peace.

I did. 6 months later, childfree as ever I am at peace with myself. I realized it is possible to feel complete without children. It is possible to be happy for others as they went through the journey of motherhood. It is indeed possible to be happy by letting go. Someday I might yet be a mother to a child of my choosing. May be I will adopt. I do not know yet…

I do know that transformation comes from within. Happiness is a state of mind. If we cannot change our circumstances, we can change our attitude and that makes all the difference.

I am a changed woman now. I walk with a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

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7 thoughts on “Giving up. Yes exactly that.

  1. Hey, is this the trasformation nation piece you wrote? You know, you should never give up. Hope is what keeps one going. Loosing hope is equivalent to giving up on dreams. Sure, you can keep it aside for a little while, esp. when you feel that the weight is pulling you down but be sure to pick it back ‘up’ again.

  2. Lakshmi, I just came by your blog again. This is such an honest piece of writing. UL is right. You should not lose hope. But then again, if you really want a child, I guess you can always adopt. This is not really the end of the world and I guess that is the realisation you have come to.

  3. Laksh, I totally understand your feeling that you were going through earlier.I have walked that lane.I just wish you don’t loose hope. There can always be alternative path to the same destination.Take care.

  4. Laksh, a great piece of writing and a very honest and true one too. I am sure it mu+st’ve been hard for you but I am glad how to deal with it now? BTW, how do you know Ashwin? Badri’s sis?

  5. What I meant was – ” I am sure it must’ve been hard for you but I am glad you know how to deal with it now”. Was in a hurry but couldn’t help but comment.I’ve heard so much about you from Aswin.

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