I spent the year 2005 living like my life was underwater. As anyone battling with infertility can attest, it sucks the energy and enthusiasm that a person has for life.
Married, a couple of years passed without thinking of starting a family. Like countless others I never realized I could have a problem becoming a mother. Another year later I hesitantly sought medical help in trying to conceive. What should have been a happy journey to motherhood turned into many doctor visits, medications and heartbreaks as each period came.
As months rolled into years, I dreaded hearing a close friend tell me that they were expecting. Avoided going to family get-togethers so I would not have to face well intentioned questions on why I had not yet started a family. Emotions ran high and I was walking around like an emotionally depleted dry well.
My husband could not understand why having a child was so important to me. It hurt me that I had to explain my tears. Over time he learnt to hug me without a word when I felt numb and raw.
One Valentine’s Day, I heard from my nurse that my second IVF had failed too. It was in a way the moment of my deliverance. I felt sad and the tears came. Also came with it an understanding that may be I was a victim of my own expectations. I tried to listen to a tiny voice of reason welling within me. May be it was time to let go of the weight of my hopes. By letting go I would find peace.
I did. 6 months later, childfree as ever I am at peace with myself. I realized it is possible to feel complete without children. It is possible to be happy for others as they went through the journey of motherhood. It is indeed possible to be happy by letting go. Someday I might yet be a mother to a child of my choosing. May be I will adopt. I do not know yet…
I do know that transformation comes from within. Happiness is a state of mind. If we cannot change our circumstances, we can change our attitude and that makes all the difference.
I am a changed woman now. I walk with a spring in my step and a song in my heart.